naruto the guy with the ninja
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: Part of the "SBIG" series. It's just a small, intentionally badly written (so much that its name is in all lower case) story I kind of did out of boredom. The plot's about Naruto becoming a huge power-lord, eventually realizing that his actions have... consequences. There are typoes but very few, and the content's aimed to not be anything worse than some mild swearing.
1. Teams and a New Mission

**naruto the guy with the ninja**

 **Chapter 1: Teams and a New Mission**

 **Beginning AN:**

Well... posting in a really _big_ fandom, one that has a lot of stories... honestly, I'm a bit nervous about this. In fact, the only reason why I didn't side-step around and delay this a bit was just because I felt like getting _something_ out before January ended (I wanted it to be the third chapter of my _Gravity Falls_ fan fic, _run:gifocalypse_ , but that's taking a lot longer to write than I thought). Well, just to let you know that I do not intend to invoke any personal disgust or to really dig at anybody in particular. As explained in my copy-pasta below, this is supposed to be lighthearted.

There's two reasons why this is listed as a crossover. One being that unlike, say, _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ , crossover characters will constantly make up the main cast (is that too much of a spoiler)? And I mean main main cast. Very little _Naruto_ characters are in chapter 2, in fact. The other... well, again, I'm kind of embarassed of this and my intentionally badly written stories in general, so I'm just letting it take 'less heat' now (I think) by trying to sort of 'hide it away' under general crossovers. I might flip this to general _Naruto_ later, I might not. We'll see.

 **Welcome to SBIG!** This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admitedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

* * *

So there was this hero guy. We'll say he's Naruto for now. He was standing proudly on a tree, because he had just graduated from being an Acadamy to a Genin!

"I will now use my super clone powers for good!" He cried.

Then there was this Konohamaru kid. He was annoying. So Naruto decided to show him how to use a powerful technique.

"And yes! You mastered the Sexy Jutsu!" He cried in proudness, and shed a tear since he knew that it will someday be a very move not to fuck with.

Then this jackass came up, Ebisu, and shouted, "THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NOT TRANSFORMING INTO INDECENT EXPOSURE! THE VILLAGE HAS LAWS AGAINST THAT YOU KNOW!"

Naruto gave an _actually_ jackass smirk back in responce. "Oh really? In that case, HAREM JUTSU! Time to get evenly-battled!"

The harem jutsu, worked and everything was history.

That day, except on the next day, he was flying around roofstops when he noticed a Sasuke nearby.

"HELLO THERE MY NAME IS SASUKE AND I WANT TO CHALLENGE YOU, SUPPOSED NINETAILS." He exclaimed.

"Sure, whatever."

"I MEAN IT! WE ARE RIVALS!"

So Sasuke got ready and tried to do a major attack, just to get a sudden burst of ninetails! Naruto somehow controlled it!

"Oh ok. Well, then Sharingan!"

And Sasuke got the special eyes, then Naruto laughed harder!

"What a joke. You just let me do this:"

And Naruto used a lot of powerful magic, and that suddenly got rid of Sasuke's Sharingan! He had normal eyes now, while Naruto laughed with the Sharingan.

"I now have Uchiha powers in addition to my ninetails! Sucker! Let's see what I can change now..."

* * *

 **(Team Assignment)**

After a bunch of weird stuff, Naruto was for some reason placed on the same team as that weirdo that hurt him. Because he was Smart Naruto AU, he's now the one of the top ninjas, while Sasuke is towards the bottom. Also Sakura.

Naruto crossed his arms at the claims and weirdness of Kakashi. He admited that he seemed cool, but then he started looking to favorite Sasuke and Naruto secretly wanted revenge plotted.

So um, later was the bell test. Sasuke went missing, but Naruto was the focus for now. He was using his more advanced powers to get through quicker and keep Kakashi on his feet.

"HA HA! Already I'm very great and powerful! In due time, I should rightfully be the leader of this planet!"

He made a lot of clones of him! That flooded the forest! He was like a rabbit in that he was fast. (Ha ha, you thought this was going to be a sex joke didn't you?)

"Oh no-"

Then Naruto got both of the bells, and braggingly waved them in Saskura's face.

"Ha ha! I'm so good I might as well be the only member of the team!"

"Um... okay." Sakura said.

"YEAH! IN YOUR FACE, BITCH! BITCHY BITCHY B-AYECH!"

"Naruto I think the point was made."

"YEAH! AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A PART OF MY HAREM I THINK! AS A SLAVE! Not a sex slave because I'm too young for that."

* * *

 **(Sasuke)**

Meanwhile, Sasuke. He was pulled over to a secret lot with a secret opponent in a big cloak.

"AND WHO ARE YOU?" Asked Sasuke.

Glasses gleamed from under the coat's hooded shadow face. But the face was not made of shadow, it was simply shadowed. Removing the cloak revealed... HARRY POTTER! And no he was not naked underneath. That would _COMPLETELY_ change the tone of the entire story.

"You claim yourself to be a good ninja, don't you?" He asked.

"YEP!"

"You stupid muggle." He shook his head. "Anyway, I'll challenge you to a battle of fights depending on ninjas vs wizards."

So then they were on the rooftop that was the secret lot then Harry said "FIGHT ME YOU BLOODY MUGGLE!" and Sasuke answered with "Ok."

"FIRE NO JUTSU!" Sasuke cried, spitting out a fire ball like he was Mario.

"WATER O!" Shouted Harry, using his wand to make a huge water wave the extinguished the fire ball, and to make it cool it was a wave that pushed Sasuke around and he was all flying around on the splashing water like "AAAHHH!" but it didn't last long, they were on the roof so the water just kinda washed off and ran on some guy's face and he went "JESUS CHRIST WHY!"

"With ninja, they have to say 'no jutsu' so it's easier to have more time to think of the attack when they say what the attack is. With a wizard, you just have to say 'o.'"

"I MUST TALK FASTER THAN!" Sasuke cheered. "REMATCH!"

"The battle's already over you stupid muggle. But I'll tell you what, if danger ever attacks, you can call me and my kick ass organization." He threw a card down. "Here. Only call this in emergencies."

* * *

So it turned out that the Kakashi thing was just a test and then they went off on the first mission, the bridge building mission. And no, this isn't in the same universe or even multiverse or multimultiverse as _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ the Rainbow Crew will not be showing up this story isn't that complicated or anything stupid. Anyway they went on the bridge builder trail when suddenly these two guys in scary outfits jumped out.

"WE ARE THE ASSASSINTONS!" They shouted. "NOW SURRENDED!"

Naruto just shouted "GOD NO JUTSU!" and then shot out energy fox beams at them, knocking them out. He laughed his ass off.

"Boy oh boy that was easy. In fact why don't I extend these powers a bit further? I could rule the world with all my abilities!" He looked at Sakura. "And you would be my queen if I also didn't hate you so much for not loving me all the time!"

"Hey that was cool of you let's fight." Said Sasuke.

"LAME." Shouted Naruto, punching Sasuke and sending him flying back to a tree, then he fell to the ground, and was fallen in a hole.

"Naruto that's your teammate that's bad." Said Kakashi, stoic because that's how he normally talks.

"Screw you! I will rule the world now, because get this plot twist I'm actually the villain!"

Sasuke barely got up before flopping back down and starting to black out. He heard Naruto's laugh (also him saying "And Sasuke you're so pathetic that I won't gender bend you and make you part of my harem") as lots of dark energy went around him and captured Kakashi and Sakura. Then the laughter faded out kind of like from waking up from a dream except Sasuke was going into a dream right now and not coming out of it. He dreamed about cake.

* * *

When Sasuke woke up he was still on the trail from Konoha but the skies were a dark purple. Which is wierd because the sun was still up around noon. He looked closer to Konoha as he stood up and what he saw was a shocker:

There was this big purple barrier around Konoha so it's like the games where you can't go back to your hometown. He was alone.

He looked in hispants and found that he still had the card that Harry gave him. Also from his pants was his cell phone, which he called.

"HEY HARRY! ARE YOU ALIVE?" He asked.

"Who the bloody hell are you?"

"SASUKE!"

"What? Oh, right, I challenge so many people that use fire and just beat them with Water O that I kind of lost track of even your name. Well, more survivors are welcome, please meet us in the caves right around Konoha."

"CAN DO!" He cheered. And, as luck would have it, the caves were really close to the trail he was already on back when he was still part of Team 7.

So he walked the cave's trail and saw Harry there, sighing. Also with him was this girlish looking person in a blue shirt and white shorts with emo-like orangeish hair, Squidward from Spongebob, and the Master Chief from Halo. And I promise that the latter isn't Kamina this time because I want to not reuse the same spoiler twice.

"Oh bloody fuck I didn't think you'd get here so fast and that we'd have a bit more time without you." He sighed. "Oh well. Welcome to the apocalypse."

"This seems pretty boring I hope there's another village I can survive to." Sasuke frowned.

"Tough shit, it's the apocalypse for a reason. Of course it will be boring! And no, Naruto already did something like this to the other main four villages of the Ninja World. I know this because I saw him flying away bragging about it. He has this 'Midnight Bliss No Jutsu' bullshit that turns men into attractive women, and women into attractiver women, and he claims that he wants to start a 'harem' bullshit when he turns 18 to revive his clan. But he really just wants to take over the world and use every single other person out there as his prizes."

"How mean. D:"

"I know. Anyway here's the team I grouped up: You already know me. That's Master Chief. That's Squidward. And that over there is Dave Strider-"

He was referring to who you might thought was an original character but was actually the guy from _Homestuck_ emoized. He just sighed and said "I'd rather go by the nickname 'Diablo' now? It's edgier and cooler, and it reflects the fact that Naruto just haremized my friends and I'm in such a dark of dispairness."

"Whatever." Said Harry. "Now, we were waiting a month for other people like you to trickle in, before we put a sign up saying 'MOVED TO' and then wherever we plan to move to."

"How the heck didn't Naruto see us?" Sasuke asked.

"I put a spell that makes things invisible to Naruto or something under Naruto's magic invisible. But only if he doesn't touch it. Now, it's only been a few hours since this started so we still have a month of boring scavengering around here before we get to the good stuff."

To skip that, nobody else really came.

"Okay then." Said Harry one month later. "Let's get to the good stuff: Out adventuring in a post-apocalyptic world."

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Wow, I didn't expect this chapter to be so short. But I'm glad that I'm getting back to writing short chapters anyway! I've been... dragging things on a bit.

Anyway, yes, the twist was that Sasuke was the real protagonist, not Naruto. I hope nobody takes this as a direct offense attacking any harem fics or anything like that, I just thought that a story where Naruto's god powers and womanizing were presented as a _destructive force that needed to be stopped_ would make for a... slightly interesting idea, but one that ultimately wouldn't pass unless the whole story was intentionally poorly written. (I'm sure it's been done countless of times but I'm honestly not that big on _reading_ fan fiction as of late, mostly just _writing_ it unless it's about a minor character I really like. And those are surprisingly rare, I mean even characters that have a bit of fan art to them strangely have a lot less story at least on this site...)

Anyway, this may only have around 9 chapters total. No more than 13, no less than 6. And I'm really settling towards 9 being the final number (for a mildly spoiler-y reason, 'dividing' the story up). I already have what will happen in the second chapter planned out and I am working on the final draft of it (to make up for the shortness of this chapter, I'll publish it close by chapter 2. Plus 2 is supposed to be when the 'real plot' starts, which is why I'm also so eager to get to it. Heck I started it a day after finishing the rough to this one) even when this was just published. And... I have a few rough plans for the general chapters _after_ 2, just not much _specific_. Though I started a little on 3 already.


	2. Strickland Propane

**naruto the guy with the ninja**

 **Chapter 2: Strickland Propane**

 **Beginning AN:**

Fair warning that of all the chapters this may be the closest one to being not-really- _Naruto_ -ish-at-all. But it's a pretty important chapter.

* * *

So they were walking along and left the fire country looking for survivors and supplies outside of their immediate area. Suddenly, they saw something out. A small town. Abandoned. But there was one little area off a street that caught their eye: Strickland Propane.

"No way!" Cheered Harry. "I still see what looks like some propane tanks and grills? In fact, I'd say this might be the only building untouched by Naruto and his army! I wonder why..."

So then Sasuke, Harry, Squidward, Master Chief, and Dave/Diablo all walked in...

* * *

 **(Down the Road)**

Hank Hill brought his motorcycle to a stop, sniffing shit around.

"My sensors are telling me that someone broke into my former workplace, I'll tell you what."

Grabbing his motor threateningly, he looked down the desert road further. "I'll be an hour long drive, but we'll get there and hopefully the intruders are still there. They better not at least be defiling the same of sweet lady propane or I'll be kicking lots of asses." He looked behind them, four other motorcycles in the back kicking up dust. "Come on gang, that's enough raiding around for today. Let's get back to our base. And maybe take it back if it turns out we do need to.

" _By any means necessary._ "

* * *

 **(Propane)**

Harry had used Water O to fill a hot tub and the gang was using proapne to heat it up, and they were chilling. It turns out Strickland Propane in this AU also sold meat itself so they were cooking burgers that hadn't gone bad because there's like self-automating butcher shit.

"Boy, oh boy. Ahhhh..." Said Squidward. "I didn't think the apocalypse would be _this_ enjoyable..."

"We'll run out of supplies eventually though." Said Harry as though he had a stick up his ass. "Thankfully though I heard that this apocalypse can actually be stopped. You see, we just need to break the barrier around Konoha and kill Naruto."

"SHIT." Said Sasuke, then he covered his mouth because that was a bad word. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT EARLIER? WE HAD A MONTH! I THOUGHT THAT, WHEN IT CAME TO THE WORLD, THIS WAS IT!"

"Well, isn't it obvious? It's not really that the world is destroyed, it's that it was taken over. Beat the guy who took it over and brainwashed everyone and that's it, problem over. You stupid muggle."

"Well how do you do that?"

"...I have no idea."

And yes this was an hour since the last thing, as now the group held motorcycles.

"I'm too much of a lazy asshole to check out those other people." Said Squidward. "If it's survivors who aren't brainwashed by Naruto, let them in. If they are brainwashed and 'haremitized', try to fight back."

"Who should do it?" Asked Harry.

"One, two, three..." Sasuke began.

But then everyone just went "NOT IT!" except for him!

"Shoot!" Said Sasuke, "I guess I'm going to answer it then!"

So he hopped out and while everyone else was in swimsuits he was naked and Harry went "Ugh, what a stupid muggle" as Sasuke walked over and went out the door just as Hank pulled in.

* * *

 **(The Front Door)**

"Hi! Are you brainwashed by Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"Of course not. I look like some kinda prostitute jackass?" Asked Hank.

"No, okay then come in! We got hot tub powered by propane!"

"You're invading our survivor place! We should be asking you if you should come in- wait did you just say hot tub? BWAH! I thought that was okay once but you're ruinin' the name of propane I'll tell you what! I'll kill you!"

"...But my team said that if you're not brainwashed I should still let you in. Following team orders-"

Hank punched him in the face and he fell over backwards. "Come on, gang." He announced.

Another motorcycle broke down the front door completely (but didn't crush Sasuke or anything) as it was Alucard from _Hellsing_ , who shot his guns up in the air.

"As the strongest of our little group, I should provide to you direct coverage!"

Another one ramped up, who was Kamina from _Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann_. "Hey no, I'm the strongest! You just have cheap vampire powers!"

Then they did that anime thing where Kamina and Alucard pressed their faces to eachother growling, and Hank didn't like that because it looked like they were kissing.

The next motorcycle parked and was Brenda from _Perfect Hair Forever_ , and before anybody who read _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ says "THIS IS JUST YOUR SAGE SHIT AGAIN" this was actually planned BEFORE the Sage shit and the last member of this group was neither one of the last two sages but he is from a show that one of them is.

Brenda just kind of went in and pushed Alucard and Kamina away, then walked past Hank. Just because she's the only girl doesn't mean she has to be the 'Friends get together and stop fighting' shit, don't be sexist.

Finally the last person just barely got to stopping his motorcycle and nearly fell over on it. It was Leonard from _Big Bang Theory_ and he awkwardly said "Uh do we have to be so violent?"

Hank, wanting to have the best intro because I really like KOTH, ran back outside and got back on his motorcycle and did a ramp off through the steps and through propane-powered ring of fire and ring of water and ring of lightning and ring of wind and ring of earth (it's foreshadowing the five elements), then crashed through the roof and landed in a badass Ganondorf pose with his arms crossed.

"Yes, Leonard. Yes we will have to resort to violence. I will tell you what."

* * *

 **(The Hot Tub)**

Hearing all the crashing around the rest of the gang had long since been in their regular outfits now (except Master Chief for a joke later) and was hiding behind the back door ready to attack. However, there weren't anybody coming out of that door.

Instead Hank just walked around the front because he smelled the hot tub. "AHA!" He cried.

"Oh blood." Swore Harry.

"Prepare for a horrible ass kicking. Except the guy wearing armor with a speedo over it, I don't know how to hurt that guy. Maybe my colleges do."

"RUN!" shouted Harry, as they all ducked over to different points of Strickland Propane.

"Dang, they got away! No matter, they can run, but they can't hide I'll tell you what. I know this place like the back of my hand." Then to make an irony joke suddenly a fly landed on the back of his hand and he was like "Woah I didn't see you there!"

Alucard just snapped his fingers. "Let me be in every place at once if you let me turn loose and stuff this will be over with in about seconds flat I promise."

"Nope!" Cried Kamina, "I think we should try to take them one at a time! There's five of them and five of us! Becides Alucard's _weak to holy magic_ and as you know wizards like that Harry guy and ninjas like that Sasuke guy are both often using holy!"

"I suppose you do have a point. Also I have religious stuff all around the building because Christianity, which will weaken Alucar'ds powers and make him about on par with you."

" _On par?_ You have to _BUFF_ that weirdo so that he's _up to_ my level! Not nerf!"

"Shut up, Kamina."

Kamina crossed his arms and huffed, then he looked at Alucard and more lightning stuff flew.

Sasuke started standing up, back at the front, so Hank sighed. "I'll take this guy hostage and then you people can look around for the others I'll tell you what."

* * *

 **(The Women's Bathroom)**

"I actually knew a bit of Hank Hill," Said Harry, "I used to be an intern at his place. This is the one place he won't look for some time."

"But what if he has a woman with him?" Asked Diablo/Dave.

Then everybody said "SHIT!" as Brenda walked in to search, and ironically enough she spotted them because they swore. She kicked down the door to the stall they were in and crossed her arms.

"Run again." Said Harry. "But wait! This time, we need to split up. Pick these losers off one by one-"

Brenda whipped out a giant sword and started hacking away at them, and they all ran off. Though the Chief took some time since his armor was like really heavy fucking.

"Okay, so we split and then track them one by one. But first... to pick whom we go after... let's draw some straws!" Said Harry. Eventually Chief activated his iron Man-like jet boots and flew after them too.

* * *

 **(Sasuke and Hank)**

Hank Hill, being Hank Hill, had dressed Sasuke in a regular Strickland Propane uniform and was currently tied him to a chair.

"Now, I just wanna ask you some questions first. And then hold you for misuing the sweet name of glorious holy propane." He (Hank not Sasuke obviously Sasuke doesn't worship propane) said meanacingly. Hank also faked an agry face to make himself look scarrier but it just looked like he was constipated.

"Okay."

"How did you survive Naruto's apolcaypse?"

"He didn't think I was worth killing."

Hank sighed. "If I had taken over the world - 'course it'd be full of American stuff and sports and not his dystopian harem crap - I wouldn't have killed ya' either. So I understand."

Saskue got very offended!

"Now... you have some friends are here too, I'll take 'em all in before we arrest and also question you."

"Why don't you ask questions to pass the time?" Sasuke asked politely.

"Hey now, I ask the question and now you I'll tell you what. And right now, I uh... don't have any. So you just stay seated." Technically that DID answer Sasuke's question! What a troll!

Meanwhile the res tof the gang managed to climb up to the vents off screen and was looking at Sasuke as Hank 'interrogated' him.

"Okay, so it's not like Sasuke's heavily guarded or anything." Said Harry. "Now, we split up. First, 123 Not it for the powerful vampire."

They did and the 'it' was Squidward who went "Shit."

* * *

 **(Master Chief)**

Leonard was testing out some of the propane-powered technology (Hank's permission of course) and was using it to power physics as he said once he'd preserve the knowledge if an apocalypse hits and now he's getting knowledge. He was in some lab hidden under the place.

Suddenly... IT WAS THE MASTER CHIEF THAT FOUND HIM!

"Hello." Said the Chief.

"Uh oh... I uh... uh uhhhhh uhh..."

"Nervous?"

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME I ONLY STAYED WITH HANK FOR SURVIVAL AH!"

"Hey um, you might not wanna scream or else they'll hear us and I'll be beaten by the scary vampire.

Leonard nodded, it was funny because he took that as a threat.

Well, that was easy. Chief shrugged not knowing what to do next.

* * *

 **(Squidward)**

With Squidward and Alucard it was the exact opposite. He freaked out the instant he saw Alucard but then Alucard started talkng.

"AR MATEYS!" He said, because he's pretty much doomed to be like _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ and not canon. "OH SNAP I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE RACIST SINCE YOU ARE A SQUID CREATURE!"

"No... no... I... heh heh!" Then he thought up a lie! "Actually, I am offended!"

"Oops. :("

"Now, if you'll just let our friend go... right now you're sort of coming off as more of the bad guy than we are."

"I DON'T WANNA BE THE BADGUY I WANNA FIGHT THE BADGUYS SO OF COURSE I'LL SIGH WITH YOU!"

Squidward sideed. "Good."

* * *

 **(Dave/Diablo)**

He was awkwardly walking around and for once actually showed some emotion becides stupid angst. Namely he was fumbling like a dork around Brenda, possibly because she was the first non-brainwashed woman he saw in months.

"Hey. Uh." He said. She glared at him. "SO! I was walking around and like... you're like, this hot and stuff but you know I've had this bad habit of being related to the people I hit on I hope you're not next. I MEAN not saying I'm HITTING on your but... oh shoot, do you by a-a-any chance know about my friends? Like, have you by any chance- shit I just said that- seen... um, well this one guy is-"

She drew a sword out at him. He put his hands up even though he's normally badass.

"Okay I see you need to kill me! I mean I think this 'Hank' guy is a little unr-r-re-reasonable, but!"

She moved her weapon down. "I know. I think he's unreasonable too."

Diablo gave a breath of relief. He means, he can totally take her down, he just wanted to do the nonviolent route. "Good, so-"

"I would like to kill him and take over as leader."

Oh fucking boy she's crazy. Then again Diablo hated Harry too. I'm telling this and not showing this because it's already obvious that Harry Potter is an asshole in this AU, and it may be out of character for him but since it will be important to the plot really soon (so that Diablo and Brenda can not kill eachother and agree to kill Hank and Harry instead) you can't criticise it so there nyuh! (Tongue stick out.)

"Yeah, I know, Harry Potter... he's also a bad leader. I think he's a leader. Squidward is a jerk because every time Sasuke falls Squidward laughs at him and it's annoying. So let's team up?"

She shrugged. "Sure. It'll pass the time while we find the four keys to getting into Konoha and take Naruto down."

Wait, what?

* * *

 **(Harry)**

Harry was already annoyed at Kamina just by his appearance. And then Kamina began talking, spoiler alert _hoo boy_ did things not get better.

"...And so that's how I got this awesome power and I found this katana by stealing it from this annoying vilage leader. Oops I guess I should have just summarized it like that and not 100 paragraphs like an annoying piece of shit! Heh heh!"

"Mmmm..." Said Harry as his face was turning red.

"So _then_ I said..."

"MMMMMM..." But he saw that the other three 'groups' were right now walking out in friendly conversation he chose to calm down. Maybe by making himself laugh... after all, laughter is the best medicience (actually that was bullshit it was magic (well if you'd ask ninjas they'd say it's jutsu by the way in _Crconikals_ , those two are the same thing, thankfully this isn't related to them at all so it isn't) but Harry wasn't sick he was just angry) so he thought _just picture him in underwear_...

 _OH NO HE'S HOT!_ Like Spongebob! So he started shivering and lost focus and wasn't hearing what Kamina said.

"So, this is all just one big misunderstanding. The real villain here is Naruto. Let's try to work towards facing him together."

He offered his hand to shake, but since Harry didn't listen to that, he only saw the hand going out and freaked the fuck out. He punched Kamina by accident, and because Kamina is like Bugs Bunny (look at this crossover fanart I did they're practicaally the same character) he said "This means war."

Suddenly they all started fighting. Master Chief grabbed Leonard's hands and then held them behind his back (not in a gay way Master Chief is straight I don't know about Leonard though he puts up with a LOT of Sheldon's crap as if in a relationship) while Alucard turned into a giant hand and grabbed Squidward and Brenda just impaled Diablo through the back with her sword.

* * *

 **(Sasuke)**

Suddenly the rest of Hank's gang came by and helped tie up the rest of the group in with Sasuke. Diablo, Harry, and Squidward were tied up, but so was Leonard and he said "Um I'm with you guys Master Chief isn't" so the Master Chief said "Oh, right." And then untied Leonard and tied himself up to the gang. By the way Hank saw Diablo's injury and fixed that up while Kamina slapped Brenda because stabbing him was kind of overkill.

"Now we got you. Any last thoughts before we... shit, what were we gonna do with them again?" Said and asked Hank.

"Well, my lesson is that I won't be as much of a dick." Said Harry Potter.

"LESSON LEARNED A BIT TOO LATE THEN ARGH!" Shouted Sasuke angirly.

"And now it's time to kick some ass." Said Hank.

"Yeah, and to think I was about to offer the glasses guy a peace treaty!"

"Wait..." Said Harry, " _THAT'S_ why you attacked me? Well, shoot! You see, I was distracted by your looks and thought that you wanted to kill me I reacted to your hand like it was an attack because of that!"

"Oh." Said Kamina. "Well... uh, this was all a big misunderstanding?"

"LOOKS LIKE IT!" Sasuke laughed a lot.

Then they were untied and let free, though Hank Hill did not aprove.

"I don't approve." He said.

"Shut up." Replied Harry. "Anyway, can we like team up or something about Naruto?"

"Maybe." Hank shrugged. "All I know is that the barrier around Konoha is generated by four Power Magic Crystals, each in the capital of the major ninja lands. Destroy all four, and the barrier's gone, then we can head up and attack Naruto."

"Really?" He asked. "Shoot, I wished I knew of that beforehand."

"But he probably has guards and traps and stuff."

"WHY DOESN'T NARUTO JUST PUT THE CRYSTALS INSIDE THE BARRIER? THEN NOBODY COULD REACH THEM!"

"Eh... it's a weird quick about how barriers work. If a crystal is trapped inside its own barrier, it will easily undergo meltdown and just kinda break or explode and since there's no barrier to keep it in the explosion will explode out and it's a big enough explosion to level a city." Said Hank.

"I'd rather my gang go off and, like, try to compete on our own though. You guys conflict too much and might kill each other." Also said Hank.

"Hypocrite seeing Kamina and Alucard. D:" Said Harry potter.

"Well yeah but they're at least devoted. You're just weirdos. Well, see ya' in the Village of Mist. You can follow us, or not and take a different order. Just, like, keep in contact by this cell phone." He gave them all cell phones (Kamina raided a cell phone store Hank was okay with that since he hated cell phones he prefered house phones since they didn't have texting or apps they were just PHONES). "So that we'll know which crystals are taken down. Like, if we go after the Mist Village one and you after Sand, then we don't drive over to Sand and that's a waste of time."

"...I think I'd rather stick with you." Said Sasuke, and the others nodded.

But the gang took off in their motorcycles too fast! Oh well, at least Sasuke and co definitely know what village they were going to.

And so, they were off...

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Sorry if you think that this ripped off _Sonic Zombie Shopping Mall_ too much. I tried to make it as original as I could from that.

Anyway, I kind of have this little 'schedule' for how this story should go. Not in terms of updating dates, oh _god_ no. But in terms of how it's structured. Basically, there will be a mini-hiatus after this chapter, since it and the first chapter are in the first 'group.' The second 'group' will consist of chapters 3-6. It's not really giving anything away if I say that those are focused on destroying the crystals since I'll basically imply that in the title. And then there's the last 'group,' chapters 7 through probably 9, which works on the climactic finale. I don't really want this story to last forever, in fact I've been thinking of mostly ending the entirety of the _SBIG_ series save for the little spinoff _SBIGlets_. (After I actually complete the respective fics, of course. I really don't like discontinuing anything.)

Well, with that wrapped up, I _was_ working on chapter 3 a tiny bit, but now that this is out... I don't know. I might put my writing on this on hold. After all, I still have a few other stories I'd like to finish up. And this is just barely starting. Maybe I can free up some time by not really working on this and use that time for another story. The question is _which_ , since all of the other in-progress fics would either take _longer_ to complete than this or I just really don't feel like writing.


	3. Water

**naruto the guy with the ninja**

 **Chapter 3: Water**

 **Beginning AN:**

I believe that this chapter will make it perfectly and unambiguously clear that I am incredibly behind on _Naruto_ (like, "halted in the middle of _Shippuden's_ second arc"-levels of behind, but not "I'm still on part one"-behind) and I haven't really re-watched much of it in ages. The first chapter covered early stuff to try to hide this and the second was mostly crossover inspired by _Sonic Zombie Shopping Mall_. So... here I go.

Also, maybe starting on chapter 4 I'll move this out of the crossovers section. After all, as you'll see here, it will kind of edge more towards canon. I was going to move it for _this_ chapter, but after remembering and rethinking, I think I'll procrastinate that decision until chapter 4.

* * *

Walking through the islandish area by the land of water was pretty terrible. Eventually they found that place: The Village of Mist, where what looked like a smaller barrier was there to keep people out. Also, of course this is Sasuke's group, since Hank's brought motorcycles with them they went there first.

"Well..." Said Harry Potter. "Hopefully the barrier's weak enough for us to get through, and destroy this crystal thing, right men?"

The group nodded, except Diablo who angsted.

Suddenly, someone in a mask dropped down and attack! The mask was then taken off, and the person under it looked brainwashed.

"I serve the great harem emperor Naruto. I am Haku. And I am most definitely female. I always was. Naruto would never have it any other way." She said, blank-eyed and monotone.

"Shit." Said Sasuke. "This looks like some serious brainwashing."

This brainwashed Haku-drone floated up into the air and summoned a giant dome of ice mirrors. It was bigger than in canon, foreshadowing the secret that Naruto can transfer his overpower to the people he brainwashes (remember that it's a spoiler).

"Sasuke. And his army. You will die."

All of the mirrors suddenly started shooting out ice needles, which was a mild pain in the ass since they could kill you. Master Chief attempted to take the blow since his armor was tough, but it was kinda hard guarding four people when you were only one. The team currently braced through it until Harry got an idea.

"This is ridiculous... FIREO!" He shouted, wanding out a fire ball that instantly destroyed a mirror. Sasuke at this point began to feel a bit envious that his own Jutsu probably can't do that but this guy's magic can, and pre-chapter 2 Harry would have rubbed that in but he's better from character development.

"That's out way out! Let's go, team!" Harry cried, running out.

So they ran but then Haku jumped at them. Jeez was she a fucking ninja or something? Oh right hahaha...

But thankfully the team made it into the borders of the Water Village, just as Haku angrilly banged her hands on the doorway.

"You will regret this..." She said quietly as mist started to kick in.

* * *

"This place gives me the hebeejus jeesus." Said Squidward shivering. "We need to find that crystal, fast. Hopefully Hank and co are around too or something."

"I CAN LIGHT THE WAY WITH MY FIRE AND STUFF!" Sasuke suggested.

But through the mist they saw some blue shark-like woman who also appeared to be in the same trance as Haku back there. Staring blankly ahead. She was huge and held a giant sword.

"Don't come any further or else something bad will happen."

"HEY TELL ME WHAT THE SOMETHNG BAD IS AND MAYBE I'LL KNOW IF WE SHOULD RISK IT OR NOT." Said Sasuke. Harry was about to call him an idiot or something but then the shark-person talked.

"Okay, I'll dive down with my water moves and cut you up with my sword."

Sasuke turned to Harry with a Frown of Worry. "THIS SOUNDS LIKE A BAD IDEA SHOOT!"

"So we just not come further and snipe from a distance." Master Chief shrugged as he got a plasma cannon out. "Okay say your prayers."

"Shoot. Caught me on a technicality." Said the shark lady.

"WAIT!" Shouted Sasuke, "DON'T SHOOT HER SHE MIGHT BE BRAINWASHED WITH NARUTO AND IS REALLY A GOOD PERSON!"

ANOTHER blue shark lady appeared, PS this is actually a crossover it's more than Naruto characters that are brainwashed. This one had red hair and an eye patch.

"Hey! Kisama!" She yelled, "You're hunting it wrong!" It was Undyne form Undertale! It's an internet trend, so Im just gonna cram it into this story because that's funny and a good way to get views! Also be on the lookout for FNAF Steven Universe and Illuminate. "You must hunt the rebels like a Naruto-worshoipping BADASS!"

"I'd rather not, Undyne." Said Kisama. She's from Undertale, it's a Big Internet Thing so here's a bad shoe-horn. "I prefer the old Akatsuki style of just kind of ask first and questions later. Because in this fic were nicer."

"Ugh! I'll just chase them around the city myself! Screw you, you're a bad wife for not wanting to kill any outsiders!"

Then Undyne was following after them! She wasn't in her armor though, her top was replaced with a black bikini top (Naruto actually couldn't tell the different) and her pants were just a small bikini bottom. I probably should have just said she was in a bikini. Yeah, that would have saved time.

She made spears out of water and tossed them towards the Sasuke's gang, causing them to run away in a hurry. They escaped around but eventually saw this blue glowing crystal in the distance. Shit wait, isn't blue the wind village? In the Chunnin exams, the Hokage had red but the Kazekage, the wind guy, had blue. ...I don't know. Green? Whatever color is associated with water in this world. (If it's green I think that _Tunic Tunic Tan_ music video did that too.)

"Look! It's the Water... Key... thing! One down, three to go!" Said Sasuke pointing to it.

"That is if we get there on time." Said Harry cynically.

Undyne kept tossing spears and forced the gang to hide inside of a house. It was there that Kisama and Haku both jumped out of the shadows and ambushed the shit out of them.

"Freeze!" Said Haku. "Get it, because I have water powers? No wait, ice powers? No, ice IS water?"

Haku did some one-handed hand sighns (this is supposed to show that the ninjas from now on are more elite; they're able to do things like this.) and actually made ice chains that wrapped around them.

"Fewew! That was fast!" Said Kisama. "Now we just have to wait for Naruto to get here, claim the four of you people, and Sasuke, you're gonna be killed by him!"

Sasuke in particular tried struccling with the chains but then gave up and just frowned.

":("

"I am gonna call him right no.w" Said Kisama, getting out a cell phone.

Ring ring ring...

* * *

Naruto was in th dark vortex of Konoha and had a lot of his brainwashed sexy justsu-like people walking around and serving him things. He was using Sakura (as this adult wearing the smoke bikini like Naruto's sexy jutsu form - she was his crush so he gave her the same outfit as his form) as a footstool while the gender-bend Kakashi sexy jutsu wearing a bunch of masks over her important areas was somehow acting as a one-woman throne for him. Naruto also got this outfit change he now wears blue jeans and a black jackket with a white _Family Guy_ shirt underneath.

"Mmmm! Yep!" He said. "Controlling anyone who remotely disagrees with me and turning them into glorified sexy objects truly is the way to go! I love having an army of effortless-to-beat ladies serving me! My parents died and people were mean to me! And Sasukle sucks! Therful, I deserve all of this!"

His phone rang. His ring tone was _Rick Roll_ because he thins outdatd memes are still funny.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT FISH BITCH #71?" He asked. "I WANTR THINGS TO BE PERFECT! SO ANY IMPERFECTION WILL PISS ME OFF!"

* * *

"Hey we captured Sasuke and his Crew. They are over at the Water Village. Please come over to them."

* * *

Naruto grinned. "Hee hee hee... good... GREAT! I'll be right over. Love you, sweeite. ;)"

* * *

"Love you commander. Now you hang up."

* * *

"NO YOU HANG UP I FUCKING OWN YOU LIKE A SLAVE, YOU NEVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO UNDER ANY CIRCIMSTANCES!~"

* * *

"But I told you to come over to the village please and you did not object."

* * *

""ARGH!" Naruto hung up (which was also doing what Kisama said) and then blew up the phone out of rage. Then he raged harder because he blew up his own phone and now had to get another one. Then he lept there. He could go through his own barriers just fine, obviously. It would be pretty stupid if he trapped himself inside Konoha.

The nhe jumped back and went "FUCK! SAKURA, AS MY FIRST CRUSH, I AM OFFICIALLY MAKING YOU MY SECOND IN COMMAND TO FOLLOW ME!"

"Sure thing Master Naruto." Sakura replied in monotone.

* * *

"Naruto is on his way now." Said Kisama. "You guys are all fucked."

"THAT REALLY DOES NOT SOUND GOOD. :(" Said Sasuke.

From the distance, they heard his laughter echoing around. Diablo was like "SHIT why aren't you trying to break these chains?" and began squirming a lot, as if he had to pee. (He didn't but I heard that metaphors make things better written.)

"Okay, I'll just try the rocket boosters again." Said the Master Chef. And then he clicked his boots together and the jets came out and flew the entire gang there. However, Kisama cut the chains and the other four flew out the window but because the Chief's armor was heavy, he just fell to the ground and was apprehended.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME!" Shouted the Chief. "GET TO SAFETY!"

Then... Naruto jumped into the buidling, and grinned.

"Tell me everything you know about Sasuke." He said to the Chief.

"Um," began Haku, "He just jumped out the-"

"I WAS NOT TALKING TO YOU! SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GIRL! BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY ALWAYS WERE A GIRL FROM THE BEGINNING!"

He turned to the Chief. "Now... let's see your face..."

It was just some guy. Since Kamina is already a character in this I can't have them be the same person (unless by time travel! Shoot, because Kamina's thing is time travel in HUC! but it's a very different Kamina), and I really don't just want to make him yet another character because that's a thin joke to begin with. So, like I said at the start of the paragraph, it was just some guy.

"I have PERFECT the art of blitzing!" Shouted Naruto. I don't really think I explained the process before, but if I did in chapter 1, ignore that. It's not canon. No, the way he does it now is that he has a kunai knife (it's not a special knife just a random on) that he has glow wtih blue energy that's part of the jutsu. He slashes it foreward into the air, and it causes this blue wave to fly forth and hit the target, which would Midnight Bliss them. Also, Naruto still had God No Jutsu and also tied that to the knive, so he could take their powers. But he also had the ability to share them back - anyone he captures he gives a copy of their powers back to so that they can still do their things, which is how Haku attacked th gang back there.

Oh yeah he definitely did all of that to the Master Chief. I'm taking him out first because he seemed too powerful looking at the last chapter.

"NOOOO!" Shouted Sasuke, "MASTER CHIEF!"

Naurto turned around at Sasuke's voice, and Sasuke realized that he spote too much,

"Oh, you stupid muggle..." Said Harry as he shook his head.

Oh yeah. Um... first, the Midnight Bliss form just has the transformation smoke around them and were naked otherwise, he picked out the outfit later like an asshole. And Chief's transformantion was... it was just some girl.

Anyway Naruto lept out to the open by the group of people.

"Oh _SHIT!_ " Shouted Harry.

"HEY!" Squidward yelled to him, "YOU'RE THE GUY ALWAYS SAYING THAT WIZARDS ARE BETTER THAN NINJAS! WHY CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM?"

"HE'S ALSO BETTER THAN NINJAS!" Harry respondd.

"Oh that makes sense."

Whelp, then they had to fight with... very limited resources... it seemed like our heroes were doomed, when:

"HEY! TEAM! UNITE UP!"

Oh snap more stupid random crossover! It was the Wonderful 101 from _The Wonderful 101_ , a great game that I'm sad nobody bought.

Anyway, the gang ran away while the Wonderful Ones jumped down in front of Naruto, facing him.

"Let me try diplomacy first." Said Wonder-Red. "Whoever you are, you are listed as an international threat. Identify yourself!"

"I AM NARUTO! THE GUY WITH THE NINJA!"

"Okay Naruto The Guy With The Ninja! What you are doing is mass-brainwashing! It's even technically a form of murder! Surrender now or we will use fforce!"

"...What about you surrender to me?"

He used his blue knife thing and immediately Blissed Wonder-Red!

New Red - Naruto could also be fast at giving a new outfit wore the... actually, the female Wonderful outfit Pink and the others wear with the short skirt and everything, but otherwise just looked like a blonde-orangeish haired woman. She also lost the mask.

"Now, if the rest of you want to join her-"

he got whip-smacked by Wonder-Pink.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IN DIPLOMATING THE ENEMY!" Pink shouted as she did that thing where her eyes turned red (this was _never_ explained). "YOU BREAK MY TEAM AND I'LL BREAK YOU!"

She kept whipping him around. He tried to throw the blue knife at her, but then she dodged.

It was right then that Naruto realized that he was relying too much on his bad "harem" powers and was actually kind of shit when it came to really fighting.

"NINE TAILS!" He shouted. "I NEED YOUR HELP TO- oh wait I was in the profess of brainwashing her too. Right, kinda... I'll have to get to that REALLY soon!"

Pink kept coming at him with the powerful, spiked Unite Whip and started grabbing him with the whip and throwing him around. He tried to use the blue knife but she entered Unlimited Form and thus it was instantly deflected.

"OH NO! I'VE NEVEER HAD THAT HAPPEN BEFORE!" Naruto cried.

Pink took him away from the gang as he went "AHHHH!" and was being tossed around, banging against the walls and stuff.

"HEY LOOK!" Sasuke cheered. "WE'RE _STILL_ CLOSE TO THE NEXT CRYSTAL that hasn't stopped being a plot element yet! I MEAN THE FIRST CRYSTAL! I MEAN, IT'S THE THING THAT WILL TURN OFF PART OF THE BARRIER OVER LEAF VILLAGE! THE MIST ONE!"

Yes, it was actually really close to what was left of the gang. While Naruto was still getting his ass kicked, Sasuke, Harry, Squidward, and Diablo made it to the building it was on and looked it down with deep breaths.

"Now what?" Sasuke asked.

But then suddenly Haku made a return! And was throwing ice needled all over at them!

"What are you doing with that Holy Guardian?" She asked. "That is one of the four barrier keys keeping the mighty land of Narutoha under control."

"He renamed Konoha after himself?" Asked Harry. " _What a muggle!_ "

"Stand back, guys." Said Sasuke. "Let me try something here... I think she's actually someone under the control of Naruto. Like I already said."

"Well... I wouldn't know anyone that would want to even _be around_ this Naruto willingly, let alone serve him. She's either brainwashed or a greedy jerk, and based on her monotne, the second one."

"Is there a way I can un-brainwash her? Or maybe even actually him, just transformed."

He looked her in the eyes, and suddenly, something hgappened with SASUKR'S eyes as the ice mirrors began to form around him! Specifically, the Sharingan was back...? Except his right eye was a blue one and his left eye was a yellow one.

"Okay let's try to heal you up there!" He said, seemingly not even knowing about his new power. "Now... how can I do this..."

"DIE!" Haku shouted, with a demonic voice because she was controlled by Naruto who had a demon inside of him.

A bunch of ice needles went around and started flying and stabbing around at everyone! Sasuke, Harry, Diablo, and Squidward tried to dodge it all, but it was really hard because it was from all dirrections and everything! Jesus, she's tough!

"FIRE-O!" Shouted Harry as he cast a firebolt. But all this did was get broken by the mirrors!

"ICE IMMUNE TO FIRE?" Asked Harry. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? AND DID THE AUTHOR ALREADY FORGET THAT IN THIS SAME CHAPTER, I _COULD_ BREAK THEM?"

"I think it's a powerful ice!" Said Sasuke, who still didn't quite seem to realize his new eyes.

"Yes it is!" Haku replied, annoyed for once not monotone. "This is special bloodline ice and NINJA POWERS! Wizzards might be able to cast spells faster, but this is a more badass spell! I mean jutsu! Dammit Harry, your wizard crap confuses Naruto, so it's confusing me! Oh yeah, about the continuity. Yes, the author actually did forget, but then remembered after looking through, which is why the parts of our conversation aknowledging it seem so shoehorned-in lazyily!"

That stuff about me forgetting was true. I just thought I could point it out to cover my ass **(A)**.

She sent out even more ice needles, and in a confused way, but paused upon seeing Sasuke's eyes!

"The... Light Sharingan? Counterpart to the Dark Sharingan Naruto stole from you? How is that... possibl- oh wait, each of those only has one mark, which means you can't do anything."

"Wait, Light Sharginan? Will someone explain that? Actually, what does that look like? Can I see a mirror - oh wait there's a bunch of them." Said Sasuke.

"Well since you're going to die anyway, I'll tell it to you, becaus eI actually hated the thought of dying just before knowing something. Well, that's Naruto. He self-projected that when he brainwashed me. I mean mind controlled. Damn, this is confusion. Anyway, the Dark Sharingan is what you are familiar with."

She actually jnust remembered the nedles and threw them again, while still talking.

"Apparently Uchihas are, like, genetically evil or something? That's because of the Dark Sharingan. But the Light Sharingan has more powers related to posititity and stuff. Instead of copying combat movies, it copies social abilities."

"I don't see that being useful to someone not socially awkward."

"That's why it's so dormant. It can also... I think, maybe slightly read minds? And 'purify' minds? Whcih means - shit you really _could_ reverse the Midnight Bliss from Naruto. But yeah! Wait! You need to have that eye evovled first! By the way usually the Dark Sharingan takes presidents over that, but Naruto stole that while leaving the Light Sharingan."

"...Maybe I can just do a general jutsu thing."

"Invent a move on the spot? How? You need to be TAUGHT Jutsu. That is why the ninja academy even exists in the first placee!"

"Well... uh... and I wasn't really able to copy-eye what Naruto did to the Master Chief... I don't really know."

"We must keep fighting back!" Shouted HArry. "Come on, Sasuke, any tricks up your sleeve?"

"Well I do have my fire thing but that's... yeah, her mirrors broke _your_ fire spell so what's the chance of mine? Anyway, Squadward?"

"I'M GONNA DIE!" Shouted Squidward.

"Diable?" Asked Sasuke.

"Oh. Right, I actually _do_ have _something_ that _might_ be able to help. Hrm... let me see here..."

He began shuffling through some kind of sack in his pockets that he totally had with him the whole time. He eventually got out some giant sword. This all happened while Haku threw needles at them, just to remind you all.

"OKAY! THIS IS THE BIGASS SWORD! that's what it's literally called... kind of a lame name, I know..." Said Diableo. "BUT THIS SHOULD WORK!"

He rushed up with the sword and SUCCESSFULLY managed to slice one of Haku's mirrors!

...But then she just spawned another one. Fuck!

"Any other ideas!" Said Harry. "Urgh, fuck it, SHIELD O!"

And then a dome energy barrier went over him.

"Why didn't you do that before?" Snarked Squidward.

"Because it only has enough power to sheild me, and I did not want to come off as a jerk. But we're running out of time." By the way, I don't know how to spell shield so I'll just alternate the spellings so that I'll at least be right half the time.

Sasuke looked at this and got sad. His friends were in danger. But then... that was helping him... his light sharginan activating! The yellow one now had two marks!

"Uh oh now he can do something with that eye..." Said Haku. "Still, it works better with _both_ eyes working together - which is why the Shark Daringan is more popular, just-"

Sasuke's left hand began getting a yellow flame, and he pointed at Haku with that hand.

"HAKU I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS, BUT MAYBE LEAVE THAT SPELL?"

Then Haku fell out of the mirrors face-first, and the mirrors broke, and she collapsed to the ground. Haku flashed white and suddenly her large bust and butt disappeared when the flash was done.

Haku began getting back up.

"Oh my god... you saved me! And to tell you the truth... I'm not a girl! Naruto brainwashed me into thinking I was 'always' a girl because he 'didn't want to be a yaoi fic.'"

"THAT'S KIND OF MILDLY AGAINST GAYS!" Shouted Sasuke. "I THINK. BUT STILL, I THINK WE SHOULD ADDRESS THSI."

"We could piss off Naruto by downloading gay man porn on his computer." Said Squidward.

Harry chuckled. "I'd love to see his reaction to that."

"DD I JUST HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT YAOI?!" An angry Naruto shouted.

He "arrived" by being slammed on the top of the building by the Unite Whiop, with his ass kicked.

"OKAY, THAT'S IT YOU SUPERHERO BITCH!" Naruto shouted. "I'M GOING TO... UH... DEFEAT YOU BY... BY... BYYYYY..."

Haku pointed over to some woman with a giant sword and wearing only bandages and said "That was originally a friend named Zabuza. Please free him from his mind control too."

"What about that blue fish lady with the red hair and eyepatch?"

"Oh? I think I actually know that one too. Yeah, Undyne. Uh... fuck her. I don't like her. She can stay brainwashed until right up when Naruto is killed. Anyway, once you're done with Zabuza, I'll show you how to break the Water Crystal."

Naruto managed to flip over Wonder-Pink and internally he went to thta sewer place (it's a mind sewer so it doesn't smell like shit thankfully) and went to the Kyubi.

* * *

 **(Naruto's Brain Sewer)**

"HEY YOU FOX FUCK!" Naruto yelled. "WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME? I KNOW I'M TRYING TO TAKE YOU OVER, BUT STILL!"

The fox had a look on his face that said "I do not like you at all..." (I don't know how to make a fox look that way, just use your imagination) and went, "YOU'RE RUINING THE WORLD I WANT TO TRAKE OVER!"

"HEY IDIOT! LET ME TAKE YOUR POWER!"

"NO! FORGET IT! I am specifically keeping you from channelling my skill, because I know you'll only ruin it!"

"ALSO I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE A HOT CHICK!"

"Did you not see the opening? Does a thousand-foot fox look like a hot chick to you?"

"Well... I mean, there's mythology that the Tanuukis are shape-shifters-"

"I'M BASED ON KITSUNE YOU IDIOT!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

"You know what? I know you're not into man, I'll shape-shift to a hot GUY just to annoy you!"

"ARGHLEFARGLE!"

So he did and the human ninetails looked like some bishonen shirtless guy with low pants and abs and a face like that Superman meme. He was also tall as hell had spikely red hair. Oh yeah, and had nine fox fails from his ass.

"NOOOO! I'LL BRAINWASH YOUUUUU!" Naruto shouted as a blue aura went around him and his stolen Red (Dark) Sharingan came out.

Then naruto woke back up.

* * *

 **(Awake)**

Suddenly Naruto glowed with red chakra from th fox and he went "BWAH HA HA !" And then this red chakra pushed off the other Wonderful Ones and then it turned blue and insta-brainwashed all of them!

"ROAR!" He yelloed. "NOW I'M ABOUT TO FINISH YOU OFF!"

So anyway, Sasuke and co were by this glowing blue crystal and he mist swarmed around them all... it was ZABUZA! Or, whatever the NTGWTN-brainwashed female Zabuza was calld.

"Okay we're cornered." Said Sasuke.

The brainwashed Zabuza spoke: "I am Zabuzina! And I am actually the protector of this crystal! Like the boss and shit!"

"Why can't I be the protector I'm Akatsuki. :(" Said Kisama.

"Because I can do this dumbass."

Zabuzina made the hand signs, and suddenly hidden mist was everywhere! (Why is it called the Hidden Mist jutsu if ithe mist isn't hidden- oh because the user is hidden in it.)

"Oh okay that's really cool. I can't see shit." Said Kisama. "Haha, nice and everything."

Suddenly the crystal glew really bright, and Harry did that flat-mouth anime face thing with a sweat drop.

"Really?" He said. "Bloody hell you orange muggle, that thing is like a lighthouse. We can find it right away, and that is our goal."

"NOT IF I DON'T CUT YOU UP FIRST!" Said Zabuzina.

She moved pretty fucking fast through the mist! Making Haku bring out some ice mirrors to use as shields.

"Stand behind these!" He said. "It'll protect you!"

So they were using ice as shields, watching through the mist to see Zabuzina's sword slashing around and knowing when to turn and block.

Eventually Harry said "Hey muggles" and went back-to-back with Sasuke. Saskue went "Oh..." and then everyone formed a circle around each other.

Zabuzina was heard shouting "SHIT!" but then went "oh wait a minute, I'll just attack from above..."

She tried that but then Sasuke bruned her with a fireball, knocked her down, and also used his Light Sharingan to undo the effect.s by going like "hey why don't you be nice and not serve that guy"

As for Naruto? He was lost in the fog, shouting "FUCK!" a lot and not knowing what to do.

Anyway, the gang managed to find and break the crystal.

One barrier down, three to go.

"Keep the hidden mist on let's piss off Naruto." Said Harry. "THIS IS FOR THE MASTER CHIEF, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"And then we'll do that gay porn plan later." Said Squidward with his laugh. "AH-HAAA HAAA HAA!"

"WHAT GAY PORN PLAN? MIRRRRR! KISAMA, AFTER THEM!" Naruto raged hard because he does not want a 'yaoi story' as he calls them.

"You are very bad at names! :/" said Sasuke.

"FRAGGILE CAGGGHHH..." he said some more _Bart the General_ -ish gibberish. "DIE!"

So then Kisama lept down from above and was ready to cut people with her sword! I forgot what that was called.

"Yeah motherfucker I have all seven swordsmen of the mist in my control! MORE LIKE SWORDSWOMEN NOW! **OH WAIT AND THEN YOU UNDID ZABUZINA'S PERFECT TRANSFORMATION I HATE YOU!** "

So this was the _real_ final enemy of the chapter! One of the Akatsuki (okay I know I was playing that dramatic irony thing with Haku where it acted like you only knew about that he was brainwashed and said to be a girl when he was a guy like in canon, but these guys are more known so it's not as much spoilers as that), so of course it's a finale!

"Now face the power of my big fish sword!" Said Kisama.

She used her-

Actually wait.

I'm not completely sure what she can do.

I'm actualy stupididly behind on _Naruto_ and I haven't seen the old show in ages. I'm going off of the games where she has like these water moves and the sword can suck life or something.

So Kisama made one of those giant water dragon things and threatened to flood the place! The gang dropped their ice mirrors and went away. But then Zabuza, even through the transformation, recognized Kisama as actually Kisame and held his hands up.

"Hey! Fellow swordsman of the mist! Sword-Mist-Bro! I know you're in there somewhere!" He said.

"TOUGH SHIT!" Said Naruto, who now had the transformed Wonderful 101 on his side but was still hacking through Zabuza's mist that he now concentrated around Naruto. "YOU NEED TO USE OTHER NINJA MAGIC TO BREAK HER OUT OF THAT! LIKE SASUKE DID, AND FUCK HIM FOR DOING THAT!"

"Yes, I remember you..." said Kisama... "you used to be a women that worked under the wing of the great migty Naruto! Why aren't you doing that now! Naruto, get out of the mist!"

"I'M FUCKING TRIYNG TO YOU BITCH! IT'S REALLY HARD I CAN'T SEE SHIT IN HERE!"

Sasuke was starting to look annoyed. "HEY NARUTO YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SWEAR."

"YOU'RE MEAN TO ME AND AN ASSHOLE RUINING MY MASSIVE HAREM SUPERPOWER JACKPOT! I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE!"

Sasuke smiled. "OKAY AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T SWEAT RHAT TIME!"

Suddenly, Hank Hill's band jumped out on motorcycles that had headlights that could see through the mist! I actually did want them to appear earlier, I just kinda forgot **(A)**.

"Howdy boy." Said Hank. "Well, we finally meet face to face. And boy, you ain't right."

"IT'S BACKUP!" Said Sasuke with a smile. "WE'RE SAVED!"

"I'm sorry..." said Leonard, "I'm still having trouble with this bike..."

"HEY THERE YOU BLUE FIHS MONSTER! YOU CALL THAT A SWORD I'LL SHOW YOU A SWORD WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" Said Kamina.

"Compoensating for something?" Said Alucard with a snicker. Normally he doesn't do that kind of jokes in this incarnation but he's not a fan of Kamina here in general. So of course he likes pissing Kamina off.

So anyway Alucard and Kamina just did that thing where they looked at each-other and went "Grr..." and looked like they were kissing. Leonard sighed.

"This would have been a really cool party of survivors years ago, like my ultimate dream. I mean, a powerful vampire, a cool sword guy, and a school girl who walks around in a thong. If only Hank wasn't leading... oh yeah, and the apocalypse. That's bad." Leonard said this to himself, nobody could hear him.

Brenda herseelf was just using a screwdriver to toy around with some kind of random futuristic-looking technology sword that wasn't her own.

Naruto was chuckling evilly. "Okay NOW I can find my way to you! Those headlights of yours are YOUR version of the 'lighthouse in the mist-'"

They simply turned them off because they were out of the mist, only Naruto and his brainwashed was there.

But Kisama still found Hank, grabbed him by the shirt, and pulled him in!

"No!" Said Hank. "Dang it Naruto, let go of me! Ah, god dang it! Is this how it ends?"

"KISAMA!" Naruto shouted. "BRING HIM HERE!"

"Can't I just jump in there and carry you out of Zabuzina's mist?" Asked Kisama.

"FUCK NO I'M NOT A BABY! NOW I WANT MY HANK! WAAAHHH!"

Kisama sighed and lept to the fog. Squidward snarked:

"Wow. Even his own brainwashe dminions are smarter than him. Ahaa ahaa ahaa..."

Brenda slapped him on the face.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"That man united the rest of us four together and found the motorcycles! Being a woman that walks around with my thong out, I am really suseptable to being attacked by Naruto, so I had to fight extra hard because I was 'already a nine out of ten.' Don't disrespect his capturing."

"Why are you a nine and not a ten? Just curious."

"He apparently thinks I have 'too mmuch of a bitch personality' because I don't want to fight on his side, and that I'm don't have big enough boobs."

"Oh. Well if it helps Naruto said I was a one because I was a dude (he only gives dudes a max of 5, still a failing grade) and my nose looked too much like a penis, and he showed me his vision for my Midnight Bliss form and it looks NOTHING like me!"

"Ow."

Anyway Naruto did that blue knife thing to Hank, who just before the transformation said "I PROMISE TO KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD THAT DEMON INSIDE YOU FEELS IT!" and then turned to some nude woman who at first had like fire covering her like Naruto Sexy Justu's smoke.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" He shouted. "NOW HANK'S MINE! ...About time. I'd rank him a negative one point seven out of ten."

Anyway, Sasuke himself lept out and did his eye thing.

"Okay this really seems easy! Cool!" Said Sasuke. "Now, uh... undo! The thingy!"

And just like that, Kisame was back.

"I'm still actually evil and stuff." He said. "I want to help some red guy take over the world or something. Buuuut this orange ass is taking over the world so... ARGH! I'll do that JRPG thing where the villain teams up with the hero!"

"Okay but I have to keep an eye on you!" Said Sasuke.

Anyway, they all laughed out (except Diablo who was emo, Harry who was like "srrsly?", Squidward who was like sighing, Brenda who was quiet, none of Naruto or his gang found it funny, Alucard and Kamina were still staring not-kissing each-other and Leonard was trying not to fall - actually no, Sasuke was the only one that laughed) as they head out and the mist cleared and Naruto didn't see them around. His eye twitched as he looked around.

"Dammit..." he said, "the'y're done with phase one..."

Then Undyne lept down next to him.

"So then we go to the next village and prepare for phase two..."

Naruto actually kinda cheered up a little. "Oh, yeah! Cool! Let's do that!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Hank's gang-

Oh. Actually, that should be renamed. Because Hank is... sniff... gone...

Well, that gang from chapter 2 motorcycled off and was without Hank.

"It's a real shame he's gone..." said Leonard. "I'll miss him- OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE IS ANYONE EVEN CARING? ANYTHING LISTENING?"

Yeah, Kamina and Alucard were STILL staring off! It wasn't even a staring contest, because they were blinking! Because their eyes weren't on the road, they also kept motorcycling into dirt potholes and stuff. Brenda was ahead of all of them, beind silent as usual.

Although on the plus side this meant that they got to stare at her ass.

Eventually they came to a turn in the road, and because Alucard and Kamina were looking at one-another, they kept driving off to the side. Alucard hit a tree and his motorcycle flipped over. This got Kamina, still moving foreward, to stand on top of the motorcycle (he's using one arm to press a sword on the gas petal) and pumped his fists up.

"YEAHHHHH!" He cheered. "I WON!"

Then he got his head in a beehive that he crashed into and was like "FUCK!" Also his motorcycle crashed into a lake. So Alucard was dizzy and Kamina ran around getting the hive off his head and with bees chasing him. Brenda stopped riding, got off, crossed her arms, and looked pizzed. Also Leonard stopped riding too and got off as well.

"Dammit! Naruto's pissed and knows we were there! He'll chase after us! I have no time to wait for you three clowns!"

"Three? What the hell did I do?" Asked Leonard.

"You're not driving fast enough. Kamina and Alucard outsped you and they weren't even looking at the road."

"I'm still keeping up with you! I kept up with you before!"

"As the new leader, I'm slowing myself down so that you can even still see me."

"And what makes you the new leader?"

"Do you want to challenge that?"

"Actually, yes. Yes I do. I do want to challenge your leadership."

Brenda rolled her sleeves up and started walking towards him.

"WOAH WOAH WOAH not like fighting, like with wits and democracy! We all vote a leader and stuff!"

"TOO LATE!" She also took off her shirt- uh... the school uniform thingy which is like a shirt with a fancy skirt-like fixture anyway. Just... look up "Perfect Hair Forever Brenda" if you don't know what she looks like. "And everyone would just vote for themselves anyway. But yes, we're doing this, old-school style. Take off your shirt too."

She also didn't wear a bra so right now she was just wearing her usual white thong. And her socks. And shoes. And hair decorations.

"No no I saw you slicing up those training dummies, I know you can-"

"ARRRGH!"

She lept on Laonard and tried pinning him down and got into a position where he was lying face up and she was restraining his arms holding him like a wrestler. Meanwhile, Alucard was just barely gtting his footing when Kamina slammed into him and they both spun in the air in a fast circle blur (something like this happened in _Ed Edd n Eddy: Incredible Shrink Day_ if you want to get an idea, I think it was Eddy and Edd). They also knocked into Brenda from above.

After landing, it looked like Kamina was kissing Alucard, while Brenda was knocked into kissing Leonard.

"What the coitus is going on here?"

All four of them jumped up, Kamina ran away because the bees were after him, and Alucard too because he wore red and bees get angry at the color red like bulls. (Leonard was in a Batman shift so he's okay.) So that left Leonard and Brenda as the only two with a clear look in the bushes.

It was Sheldon who said that! And Penny was with him!

"Oh my god, Penny! Nice to see you-" Said Leonard.

Penny was staring at him weirdly.

"Oh yeah, that's not what it looks like. She was trying to fight me." Said Leonard.

"Oh really then why was she naked?" Asked Penny.

"Well, she usually has that thong on and a uniform that barely covers it, and she took it off because like that thing in movies where men take off their shirts."

"But she doesn't look like a man!" Said Penny.

"Uh... equality?"

"Either she is really a man or you're lying! Pink-hair waifu, are you a man?"

Brenda shook her head.

"You really are cheating on me! Guess I made the point to date Sheldon then!"

"...What?"

"Then is a Shenny fic, you cheater! Amy suddenly turned into a colossal asshat some time around Naruto's rise to power!"

"Wait! Maybe Naruto brainwashed Amy!"

"...Oh." Said Sheldon. "Well, I broke up with her anyway, you can just die off alone or something like her. That's how these fan fics work."

"...WHAT?" Asked Leonard in confusion.

Eventually Kamina managed to distract the bees by telling them "LOOK! NICK CAGE!" And they flew in that random direction he pointed (AN no, I don't get the Nic Cage NOT THE BEES joke). and he and Alucard ran up to the other four, stung a lot. Alucard did that thing children (or least Eric Cartman) do where he twisted the front of his foot in the dirt back and forth and had his arms behind his back.

"Brendaaaaa...?" He said.

"Yes?"

"I accidetically broke my bike..."

Kamina sighed. "Me too..."

"Oh. Dammit."

"Hey wait a minute I can just transform into a motorcycle like in _Hecksing the Dawn_. Problem solved! In fact, I can ride with all of you on me!"

"...I'm not riding with you." Said Kamina.

"Penny and I packed our own couples bike in case she decided to break up with Leonard and we got together!" Said Sheldon.

"...Okay you can use that." Said Brenda. "Alucard, you can use your vcampire powers to turn into a bike, and Kamina, as punishment for being a douchebag, ride him."

"Hey!" Said Kamina. "He started it!"

"Well I'm ending it! And as for you Leonard..."

"I still have my own motor-"

Brenda grabbed him by the wrist and put him on the passenger seat of her bike.

"Oh no you don't!" She shouted. "I'm watching your slow ass! I'll take you with me! And actually, Alucard, I don't want you thinking that you can just drive whever! If you're the bike, 1: you'll get tired because that's like running, 2: if you're the bike you can take complete lead! I'll punish you by making you share Leonard's bike and you'll have to switch after every major stop, including when we return to Strickland!"

"SHOTGUN!" Cheered Alucard, then he frowned because this meant Kamina would be driving him.

Then Kamina sat on the front seat and it almost burned him.

"WOW LEONARD!" He shouted. "YOU HAVE A HOT ASS! I mean... uh, really warm-"

Alucard was snickering. "For a guy who claims to be a ladies dude, you sure keep talking about guy btuts a lot. First Walter by accident in _Hecksing: The Dawn_ and now that."

"Shut up!"

So they did get on, and Sheldon and Penny got on, and Brenda thankfully put her shirt-thing back on, but with Leonard right behind her and from that bike-riding position that thong was like as thin as floss in her giant butt. It felt really awkward with that right up against him.

"Oh yeah, and try to slow us down again, I'll kick your ass!" Said Brenda. "This is another reason why I should be the leader. Because I'm like Hank Hill, I can also say to kick your ass!"

"This is like every anime couple ever." Sheldon joked.

"...What? No! I don't like her at all!" Said Leonard. "I hate her! She's so violent and unpredictable!"

"Also, I'm married." Said Brenda. "And I have... millions or so of kids."

"Millions?"

"It's a computer thing. But don't be proud or clap: They're all yanderes."

So then the three bikes (well, two motorcycles and one bicycle) drove off.

"So Leonard you met with some past buddies, I hope Yoko is around here and still unbrainwashed..."

"...I don't like you eiter." Said Leonard. "I hope Yoko breaks up with you too and thinks you're dating some-"

"Don't insult the woman driving you, Leonard." Said Benrda.

"-...Anime parodny thing."

"It's not an insult if it's fact. No ass kicking for you then."

"Maybe the REAL couple is Kamina and Leonard!" Said Alucard. "Because you're also being snippy like the UST couples in movies and anime!"

"...Screw you." Said Kamina. "And you can't insult me because I'M driving! Because you called shotgun!"

"Hey I'm not the one who said Leonard had a hot ass."

"Oh yeah? Well... well... what if the REAL couple here becides Sheldon and Penny is ALUCARD and Kamina, because they kiss- oh wait I'm Kamina. GAARRRGGHH!"

* * *

So... right. The REAL main characters of this. Sasuke's group.

"...Is that really necessary?" Kisame asked Sasuke.

Sasuke currently had his face up like really close with Kisame, as part of that "under watch" kind of thing.

"Yes it is you work for the Akatsuki and as Zazuba explained those gutys are REALLY bad! So I can't just wait here in case you won't be hunting demon holders and trying to use them to take over the world like Pinky and the Brain!"

"I think I can make a compromise." Said Harry. "Because frankly I don't trust this muggle either. He's blue, I mean. Anyway, EYEBALL O!"

And then a giant floating eyeball thing appeared behind Kisame before he could have the chance to say "Wait that's racist!" But he said it anyway because that is racist. Why is Harry such a jerk here? It could be because my knowledge of Harry Potter is low and I just know it and Naruto as big ffn things so I was just filling out filler and assuming that the two are rivals. Don't worry, as this chapter implies, slowly Sasuke's ghroup will be replaced with canon characters to make up for all the crossover stuff near the beginning.

"So which village are we going to next?" Sasuke asked.

"Leonard e-mailed me the list of the gang's planned order." Explained Squidward. "And they said that they were going to the Hidden Sand Village for the Wind Crystal now. I think it's safer to be with them, so we should go there."

"Wait." Said Zabuza. "You mean you guys were all just walking with no real direction on where to go? I didn't ask because you just started walking and I was following you."

"We were walking away from Naruto." Said Haku. "You don't want to be a brainwashed one-dimensional girl again, do you?"

* * *

 **Responses to Reviews:**

 **Linkonpark100:** I'm not completely sure what you mean by that, but there will be something along the lines of "respawning" later down the road. I don't want to give too much away though. I probably wouldn't compare that much in the story's future to _I Wanna be the Guy_ , though.

 **Footnotes:**

 **A:** Yet another truth that I kind of blanketed under _SBIG_ 's general "intentionally terrible" gimmick.

 **Closing AN:**

I had a bit of fun writing chapter 1. I had even more fun writing chapter 2.

I did not have that much fun writing _this_ chapter.

For a kind of stupid reason, there is this certain character that I am excited about introducing that was planned to not be introduced until chapter 4. And... more elements in general that I am not that proud of were to also be introduced roughly around _that_ mark, and ended up not making it here. Maybe things will improve by then. Hopefully, the endgame stuff at chapters 7-9 should, at the absolute latest, be where things go back in to full force.

As for right now, starting tomorrow and going over the weekend I will put chapteer 4 on hold and just do something that I thought was long overdue: Mirroring _Kids Fit the Trolls_ , _Act 5 Vs Act 6_ , and _Kids Fight the Zombies_ over here. I might merge all of them as one story so that it wouldn't come off as spamming the _Homestuck_ section with three stories, and each of them are short, but... I don't know. I didn't just lump up _Zombie Attack!_ and _The Eds' EDventure_ , after all. Well, I'll have an answer for sure by 2/11.


	4. Wind

**naruto the guy with the ninja**

 **Chapter 4: Wind**

* * *

So eventually the gang entered this creepy-ish desert, looking for the Village Hiddin in Sand. Except there was a sandstorm going on, everything was swirling around...

A laugh came and the Team Saskue all turned around, getting their weapons, alarmee.d

Something was clearly around in the sand. A shadowy figure of ominousness.

"Who's there!" Cried Harry. "It's been bad since we lost our Master Chief! Are you one of Naruto's minions?"

The figure suddenly appeared right on Sasuke-

And rubbed a hand through his hair.

The sand cleared a litle and it was some brown-haired woman with green eeyes and a kinda revealingish red dress with like this heart thing on it.

"Hey." She said. "Long time no see."

"UH... WHO ARE YOU?" Asked Sasuke.

"Ah, right. You were like, two when we last met. My name is Kyu! Just think of me as like your guardian angel! I'm kind of watching over you! But in a protective way, not a stalker way! ...Yeah, I think I can see why guardian angels have been out of style lately now..."

"...I don't trust you already." Said Harry Potter.

"Oh, don't worry! Sasuke and I are like... weird... he's like my cross-species great grandnephew."

"But you don't look like a grandmom." Said Diablo. "You're like... a hot mom. If anything."

"You didn't hear the 'cross-species?' I'm something immortal. Also, careful, we're like also related."

"SHIT REALLY?" Asked Diablo.

"Yes. Really." She giggled. "I'm sorry, there's a LOT of people you're kind of related to in that way. Sasuke's one of them!"

"..."

"Anyway, I just want to say good luck, and if you need me, you'll know."

She began walking off to the distance. Another sandstorm picked up, covering her in like this cool siloutete shadow, but then the storm quickly went away and she was gone.

Suddenly, these like Sand Village guards came.

"AH!" Shouted Haku, as I briefly forgot he was part of this little group and this is just a reminder to myself. Oh yah, and you, in case you forgot.

And the guards were part of that brainwashed thing! The gang could tell because they had on were wearing only those ninja-bandages and who the hell wears that in the desert? Ninja mummies? Actually that would be pretty cool.

"UM HI THERE I AM SASUKA AND I COME IN PEACE!" Said Sasuke.

"WELL WE DON'T!" Shouted boh the guards at the same time as they whipped their machine guns out and began firing.

"OH SHIT!" Cried Harry as the gang hid behind a rock. "Okay guys we need a plan RIGHT NOW!"

"I think I can do a thing." Said Kisame. "Just let me get out there."

He ran from behind the rocks himself and got some jutsu prepared:

"SHARK SWORD CUT NO JUTSU!" He cried as he whipped his shark-sword thingy out and lept to the air.

"NO WE'RE NOT TRYING TO KILL THEM! THEY'E NOT BAD, JUST BRAINWASHED! AND NARUTO'S BAD WE GOTTA KILL HIM!"

Kisame sighed and stopped mid-air (like Road Runner cartoons). "Okay... I guess instead of killing them to please you - wait a minute! I'm an Akatsuki! And we kill people while not listening to Uchihas!"

"Oh really?" Asked Harry. "I thought from my secret wizard spy missions that the Akustki is actually led by like some Obito dude, and that's led by like Madara or something?"

"Really? Ew... it was bad enough being a partner to one of those things..."

"HEY!" Shouted Sasuke. "YOU'RE BING RACIST TOWARDS UCHIHAS! I AM ONE OF THEM AS WELL!"

"Yeah I know that's how this conversaton started."

"I' mconfused what the fuck is going on?" Asked one of the sand guards under Naruto's control.

"I'LL ANSWER HTAT!"

It was some redhead only wearing a sand bikini and with some giant peanut-looking thing on her back!

"...Uh... I really don't know why this blue fish man is floating." She said. "But THAT'S THE ENEMY! IT'S SASUKE! YOU, I AM GAARA- I MEAN GARITTA OF THE DESERT! BOW BEFORE ME OR GET SANDED!"

"What's sanded?" Sasuke asked.

"It's like getting stoned but with sand."

"But getting stoned is high it's not ;literally stones."

"I mean the torture punsihment."

"OH SHIT, RIGHT THAT! THERE'S ANOTHER STONED!"

So then (oh yeah and Kisame finally landed on the ground) Garitta summoned like a LOT of sand from her peanut thing, and it swirled around them like some sandstorm. It also kind of looked like swirling cream around in cofee or something. I don't know, I heard that metaphors like that (since I used "like" this is also a metaphor LOL) make writing better.

Suddenly the gang all had sand wrapped around them!

"This would be Sand Coffin..." She said, "EXCEPT of fucking course Naruto wants to take credit for your capture, so I'm going to phone him to come over here and while that is happening you might find some kind of convenient escape."

She didn't even dial three numbers before Sasuke looked off to the side and said "HEY LOOK! A CONVEENENT ESCAPE!"

It was Hank's team! Er, Brenda's team? Yeah, Brenda's team. For those that forgot last chapter, Naruto fuckng assimilated him!

"Oh boy..." Said Garitta, as if she already knew what was going to happen.

"HEY!" Shouted Alucard. "YOU LOOK LIKE BAD GUYS! LIKE, THE NARUTO BAD GUYS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WITH BAD GUYS... I **UNLEASH HECK** ON THEM!"

She said "Well I can just trap you in sand."

"WELL I CAN TURN IN TO A GIANT BLOOD BUG BAT THINGY MASS OF SHADOW AND EYES AND MOUTHS! AND ANY ONE OF THOSE MOUTHS WILL EAT YOU!"

So he transformed and OH SHIT-

 **DUN** dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun-dun **DUNM** dun dun dun, dun dun dum dah dat dum,

 **It's time for a Death Battle!**

(I say this because I picture like those internet wars going "Alucard is badass as is Gaara (that's pre-transformation Garitta for those that didn't know) so let's have them FIOGHT," that's why the other fight scenes didn't get this it's that these two are both like really badass and powerful)

So let's do a skill rundown!

Actually fuck this alucard just kind of turned in to a wall of black stuff and chased Garitta down until she had to loose chakra griip and Team Sasuke and stuff just fell.

"You'll regret this when Naruto gets over hrer!" She said. "I just phoned him in and he's coming over!"

"Hopefully the Wonderful 101 will keep him busy while we destroy the next crys- oh..." said Sasuke, who frowned.

* * *

Naruto was flying over there, actually he wasn't flying, he was on the Airwing of a gender-benx Fox McCloud named... uh, Fox...ie? Foxy? Fuck it, Foxy. And if FNAF gets involved thn well Naruto will have to rename her. Also, Naruto unlocked some more of his powers 9-tails or something, and now he had recolored his hair red like the 9 Tails isntead of yellow. His style was also slightly different and looked edgier.

"Are we almost at the sand?" Naruto asked.

"DO A BARREL ROLL!" No wait nevermind it's the frog that says that.

"Okay then I guess we're there..."

He saw desert below them and then jumped off and lept down kind of like in _Epid Rap Battles of History_ when Lincoln or tha Kassem guy drop down from riding on somethng. Or Michael Bay in his rap battle after the other four directors made fun of him, except Narut owasn't bragging about money. Although he should.

But then he realized that he landed on the wrong side of the village!

"FHAK!" He shouted. "FOXY! CARRY ME BACK!"

"Can't you just use teleport no jutsu to get there?"

"I'M A FUCKING KING THAT'S NOT ROYALA I HATE DOING ANYTHING!"

* * *

So Sasuke was bracing through the desert, now reunited with Team Brenda or whatever.

"SO HOW ARE THINGS?" He cheerfully asked thm.

Alucard replied with, "Oh you know good. We lost Hank so that's bad, but I'm still okay."

"So we can actually work together with this village ins tead of last time where we weren't as together and you just came out of nowhere?"

"Sure," said Sheldon, "Why not?"

"Also who are you?" Asked Sasuke.

"I'l explain on the way up there, offscreen because the reader already red this shit."

* * *

Garitta returned, looking mad because she was beaten. She was also aided by two new women: Some woman with brown hair that was only 'wearing' this creepy puppet, and she had these face markings.

The other was an adult Temari, wearing a slightly more revealing version of her pre-timeskip outfit.

"I'd like to introduce my also-brainwashed sisters." Said Garitea. "Together, we'll all kick your ass. Now, introduce."

"I'm Kankurrea." Said the one with the puppet.

"Temari." Said Temari.

"Now, SAND SISTERS!" Said Garitta. "LET'S MURDER THEM!"

Alucard shrugged and sighed and was like "Okay I got this again" but suddenly noticed that another pupet was around him!

"Uh oh... hey there," he said, "Are you a friendly puppet or an asshole puppet?"

It started biting him! And because it had gold pimp teeth (because Naruto), it hurt him! (They save I think Vampires can be harmed with silver, why not also golld, coper, and roentgenium on the same column in the periodic table, considering their elemental similarities across groups.)

"OW! ASSHOLE PUPPET! D:" He angry faced!

Kamina drew out a sword and tried to fight back.

"I'LL GET YOU YOU SON OF A-"

Then Naurto dropped down! He finally got Foxy to like fly back around and drop hi,

"DID I JUST HEAR THE WORD SON?" He shouted. "NO, ONLY GIRLS IN MY WORLD!"

"OH PISSFUCK IT'S NARUTO!" Shouted Harry. "THE GUY WITH THE NINJA!"

Did I already title drop? Meh...

Sasukle backed up to an ally but then he felt himself bump in to someone.

Hintana.

"Hinata?" Asked Sasuke. Oh, you think you can spell better than me?

"Y-yes how did you get here?"

"Harry Poitter helped. Also, Hank Hill, rest in peace."

"HANK'S STILL ALIVE DUMBASS!" Said Kamina.

"I think a better question," continued Sasuke who only said that comma so that I could say that it was Sasuke saying this, ",is how YUO Get here!"

"Oh... well..." Hinata blushed.,

* * *

 _Flashbakc._

 _Hinata was walking through the Leaf Village and then SUDDENLY A BIGASS FUCKING EXPLOSION HAPPENED!_

 _Naruto laughed evilly as he stood on top of a rooftop._

 _"HAHAHA!" He laughed evilly, although in his mind it was slighly more heroic han that. "I AM NARUTO, THE GUY WITH THE NINJA!" Shit ANOTHER title drop? Really?_

 _He was seting the village on fire, which was a huge dick move for those that dont know about Arson )not to be confused with arlen, the place_ King of the Hill _takes palce in.( He kept firing these blue laserfs at people, transforming them in to sexy jutsu versions of them, and soon had most of the town under his control!_

 _"Now I'm gonna take over this place and make it my new capital!"_

 _Hinata was like "Shit, I need to get out of here."_

 _So she walked out of the gate._

 _But was then like, lonely and stuff, and alone. Things were made worse whenthe giant gate vortex thingy (um, just look back in chapter 2, I forgot what it looked like) appeared._

 _Hinata then started walking out. Bur then she remembred there was apparently some sand village... eh, might be worth the walk._

* * *

 _(Flashback continued.)_

 _Hinata did not get how FUCKING THIRSTY that desert walk would be, because of all villages she picked the DESERT one._

 _But then she met some kind of crazed guy with red hair, who looked like he was wanting to kill something._

 _"Hey ther..." she said, "Um, ar eyou-"_

 _"RARGH! I MUST KILL AND YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"_

 _He wrapped Hinata up in sand!_

 _"THIS IS SAND COFFIN!" He gasped. "NOW FOR SAND BURIAL-"_

 _Then explosions happened. Naruto was there too!_

 _"Really? Here too? Shit!" Shouted Hinata._

 _"MUAH HAH A!" Shouted Naruto laughed. "And who might you be, edgy dude?"_

 _"I am Gaara of the Dessert! I will vanquish you!"_

 _"NO I THINK YOU WOULD LOOK CUTE UNDER MY SEXY JUTSU! ACTUALLY I KNOW BECAUSE JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY UNDER IT LOOKS THE SAME AS OTHERS UNDER THE JUTSU EXCEPT FOR THEIR HAIR AND BOOB SIZE! SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S FIGHT!"_

 _SoGaara got cloaked in sand and turned in to the giant one tailed sand beasT!_

 _And then Naruto's knife glowed blue and just hit Garaa and suddenly he fell and got gender bent and also so did the OPne Tails which was removed from him because of magic fan fic BS._

 _"HAHAHA I WIN!" He cheered. "NOTHING CAN STAND AGAINST ME! OI AM STRONG NARUTO!"_

 _Hintana was about to leave but then a giant barrier was placed over the place._

 _"Hrm..." said Naruto. "Now, I'll take the tailed beast, and you! Sand lady! I want you to be the captain of the guard of this place or something!"_

* * *

"IOt's a simple backtory." Finished Hinata.

"REALLY?" Asked NAruto. "ARGH, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BACKSTORY RIGHT NOW? I HATE THAT SHIT UNLESS IT'S ANGST ON HOW BAD MY LIFE IS! YOU SEE, MY PARENTS DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND PEOPLE WERE MEAN TO ME- ARGH, FUCK IT!"

So he raged like a _Call of Minecraft at Freddy'stale_ player and made a bunch of red chakra spikes suddenly jump out of the ground like holy shit everything was errupting. So the group all jumped out of the way, with their ninja jumps. (Wisard jumps in Harry's case, since he didn't study justu as he used to be racist against that.) But Hinata tripped mid-jump and landed on the ground. Team Brenda (Kamina? Alucard? ...Probably not Leonard LOL) ntoiced this and so did Naruto, and Naruto lept down.

"Oh HA HA HA! Weren't you the one girl who liked me? Well then... I will reward that by... instead of treating you like a footstool, I will TURN YOU TO MY PERSONAL WAITER!"

He threw his blue-charged knife!

But then Brenda took the blow instead!

"OW!" She shouted.

Naruto smirked and grinned, but then something happened.

"What's this?" She asked. "I can feel... power surging through me. Blue-hot power. I feel like the sun is coursing through my veins. I can feel atomic bombs in my bones. The souls of everyone on the planet... cheering for me to beat you."

Naruto just got angry.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING SO MUCH! YOU SHOULD BE SILENT! AND SUBMISSIVE! AND! oh wait you somehow negated my Mightnight Bliss. Well, I can just try it again!"

Then Brenda flashed him a cheerful grin, her eyes flashing red briefly.

"Naruto! I know you're not the Nine-Tailed Fox! You're something much worse! But mock my words, I have survived your attack and with my newfound power, I WILL RELEASE THE EARTH FROM YOUR HORRID CLUTCHES! Mega Moon Sun Perfect Hair Forever Super Max Justice **Sage of Fire** transformation... ACTIVATE!"

Then she started flashing in light! And when the light cleared... she had a different look. It looked like armor, but made of rainbow fire.

"You're gonna have to try a lot harder than THAT!" She said in red text.

He threw his knife towards her, but it did jack shit damage and she wasn't glowing blue.

"Oh fuck..."

Brenda immediately dashed off in her new badass form and tackled in to him, which sent him flying around out of the sight of everybody.

Garitaa just turned to Sasuke's group and got mad.

"Well... I guess it is the tie that _we_ fight, then."

So then a sand tornado opened up and holy shit!

"Try to BEAT THIS!" She shouted as the sand REALLY began picking up!

"UM THIS IS REALLY BAD!" Shouted Sasuke. "ANYONE! KAMINA? ALUCARD? LEO- actually sorry Leonard it seems like you can't really that much of a fighter."

"I COULD TRY SHOOTING HER?" Asked Alucard. "BUT I DON'T REALLY LKNOW."

By the way, they're not just shouting because that's how they usually alk, they're doing that because it's a sandstorm and those are noisy.

Kamina then said "Wait a minute. Alucard, Sheldon, Penny, the other guy. I just remmebered that I have a mecha. The Gurren."

"...You remembered NOW?!" Shouted Leonard. And not just because of the loud storm. "And not back at the Wave Village? Or when we first met?"

"Kind of remembered now, let's go there." Said Kamina as he began running off, with that gang too. Eventually though Sasuke's gang lost sight of them so they couldn't follow them, and alos Garitaa blocked their path with a sand wall. So it was just the four of them now.

"WELL SHOOT, WE SHOULD THINK FAST NOW THAT IT'S THE FOUR OF US!" Shouted Sasuke. Oh wait, I mean seven, I forgot about Haku, Zabuza, and Kisame.

Aquidward Googled "How to deal with a sand tornado" and after scrolling past a lot of shit on Sand Tornado restaurants and some lyrics for a Sand Tornado song by Nicki Cage he came across osomething that said "HIDE IN A FUCKING BUNKER!"

So there was a bunker. I'd probably make a Wizard of Oz reference but that's kind of overdone. Like Star Wars and Indiana Jones (then again I did hve Indiana appear in _Gumball Vs Satan_ ) too, you won' be seeing that many references.

Oh, fuck it. I guess maybe some green 'cute witch' or something flew by, who was already brainwashed by Naruto. He himself actually even jumped by to kiss her, but then got swatted by a mega-flame from Brenda.

So anyway, the team was hiding in some bunker.

"NOW WHAT?" Asked Sasuke, but in a whisper.

Suddenly, regular wind and not sand wind came. It was Temari! She was right behindtthem!

"Surprise motherfucker." Said said like Doakes.

"How the bloody heel dod you get here?" Asked Harry.

"I walked in through the house this was attached to. And yes, this was attached to a house because it's kind of dumb that in a storm you'd have to actually first leave the house in order to reach shelter."

She then got out a fan and got ready to fight! The team screamed!

"Wait a minute!" Said Haku, "I got crystal ice mirrors! This should help!"

So he made a bunch of ice mirrors and surrounded Temari with them.

"Now... you are... _Under the Dome!_ Heh heh..."

Squidward cringed. "That is an old show now, and it really got kind of stale and weird and turned in to more of a comedy by accident. And trust me, I know shows that went stale and weird."

"I THINK WE ALL DO. :(" said Sasuke.

Anyway then Temari came at them by swinging her fans, which made mini tornados suddenly rush after them. The gang all screamed.

"AAAHHHHHH!" They yelled, jumping away as Haku just threw needles and said "GUYS I have her! OI can beat her!"

But then Temari's tonados broke the mirrors because THEY WERE FREAKING TORNADOS! Have you tried to throw a mirror on a tomato? It's also bad luck for the torando though.

Zabuza just went "Okay hold up" and placed mist everywhere, but because Teemari had wind it blew that away.

"Damn!" He said. "I really hate it when anima just keeps introducing the new characters stronger than the old. I mean isn't she like a genin?"

Suddenly a light bulb appeared over Kisame's head.

"Wait, I think abnother Akatsuki is also Sand village, and maybe he or his brainwashed Naruto counterpatr is dicking around here. If there were two of us..." He trollfaced, which is foreshadowing something.

But then he just threw his sword and that hit Temari and kncoked her down.

"So who is this other Akatsuki." Said Sasuke. Zabuza meanwhile still looked annoyed.

"TECHNICALLY you debuted after her, so that's STILL going by 'introduce them on power levels.'"

"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Asked Sasuke.

"You'e an Uchiha, you don't count."

"Oh..."

Kisame continued his explanation. "His name is Sasori, so look for anyone that sounds like that. He's a puppet dude that also looks like some big guy some times. His hair is red."

"I'd think HE LOOKS LIKE A PUPPET is a bigger indicator than "his hair is red." Said Squidward.

Temari looked like she was about to get up but then Sasuke used his Light Sharingan to undo the effects of Naruto's abilities.

"Oh holy shit those are my brothers." Said Temari after regaining her senses. "I need to save them!"

* * *

So now the team was going through that house that was linked to this tornado cellar shelter thingy. Anyway, they found some guy with red hair and in a black cloak like Kisame's. He said "Shhh..." to the group and went "Don't tell Naruto that I'm here-"

And then he saw Kisame.

"Oh my gawd, Kisame?" He asked.

"Sasori?" Replied Kisame. "And you _weren't_ brainwashed?"

They both ran up and hugged each other as emotional music began playing.

 _Reunited and it Feels so Good..._

 _Reunited liek some firewood..._

But then they both grinned evilly.

"Hey, now that there's two of us and it's like the Akatsuki always sending people in twos, now we can do evil shit again!" Said Kisame.

"Okay." Replied Sasori.

Then Harry Potter said ."WHAT you were really secretly against us the whole time?"

"Yeah duh." Said Kisama. "We're the Akatsuki, which is Chinese for 'bad p3rson.' Now, were out to find some jinjurki."

"Hey! Like my brother!" Said Temari, but it was too late they already jumped off.

"No. I think you mean like my sister."

It was Kankurrea! She zipped in and had an army of evil puppets!

"Now you'll have to fight ME!" She shouted.

Suddenly everyone was surrounded by puppets!

"NOW DIE!"

The puppets began trying to eat them!

"GET OFF!" Shouted Squidward. "MARGH! I taste like seafood! You wouldn't like this!"

"Well oh yeah? PUPPETS DON'T HAVE TONGUES! AHAHAHA!" Shouted Kankurrea. "SO THEY CAN'T BE REPULSED BY YOUR TASTE!"

Sasukle then got everything set and prepared to enter his fighting stance.

"THIS IS MY BATTLE I MUST DO THIS MYSEFL1" He shouted.

Then he saw that Zabuza just threw his sword at Kankurrea and knocked her out.

"Remember that thing about the intro of characters being power? I guess I was wrong about that." he said. "Okay Sasuke, do your eye thingy."

Sasuke nodded and then Kankuro was back to normal.

"Oh shit." He said.

"Alright,m" Said Sasuke. "let's hunt Naruto down now. I guess the showdown of this chapter will be Me Vs Haarra."

For some reason Saskue thought that because Garitaa's two minions were doqn that it was suddenly safe to jump out in the middle of a sand tornado.

It wasn't.

But he lept out ansd shouted "GARITTA1 IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL-" and then he shouted "AAAHHHHHH!" as he got sucked up and began spinning around in circles.

"THIS IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR MY WORKOUT!" Said Sasuke. "AFTER ALL, IRUKA SAID THAT I SHOULD BE RUNNING KLAPS MORE OFTEN!"

Rimshot.

Garitta became more enraged and went "OKAY NOW I'LL TRAP YOU IN A SAND COFFIN!"

And she did!

But then she sighed and said. "DAMMIT! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR NARUTO TO GET HERE AND CLAIM YOU FOR CPATURED! _AGAIN!_ WHAT AN ANNOYING, REPETITTIGE FUCK!"

* * *

Meanwhil,ee Naruto was STILL fighting Brenda, and she was actually kicking his ass!

In the outskirts of the sand village, she was making volcanos pop up with her newly awakened Sage of Fire attacks. And they were throwing these gigantic fireballs at him and trying to smoke him to death with smoke. KIDS DON'T SMOKE IT'S BAD FOR YOUR LUNG CANCER!

"COCK SHIT DAMMIT BITCH FUCK AND HELL ASS!" Those were most of the swears Naruto knew."STOP TRYING TO FIGHT ME! I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL! I DESERVE MY VERY OWN HAREM AND KINGDOM!"

Brenda laughed as a buynch of fireballs rained down on him from the sky, damaging a lot of his bullshit super strength and geting through a tiny bit of his armor.

"Youre a monster!" She said. "Also, I have these like time powers. And as an Awakened Sage, I can read through thoughts and scan them for stats and stuff!"

"FIRST WONDRE-PINK AND NOW YOU! HAT'S WITH THESE PINK-HAIRED GIRLS KICKING MY ASS? IS IT SAKURA SOMEHOW REINCARNATING HER BITCHING TO OTHER PEOPLE THROUGH EVOLUTION?! THIS SHOULD BE A SAKURA-BASH FIC TOO, NOT JUST SASUKE! MAYBE I WOULDN'T WANT HER IN MY HAREM ANYMORE IF THAT WAS THE CASE! IDON'T KNOW! ARGH! FUCK YOU FOR DENYING THE GREATNESS OF THE NEW SUPERPOWERED NARUTO!"

"HAHAHAHA!" She laughed, swinging her sword which caused a shockwave of like that plasma shit from stars to shoot out. (Don't worry because she was using her Sage magic so the heat wouldn't destroy the atmosphere and wipe out all life on the planet. Because Naruto would survive with hisss Bullshit Sharingan.) "This is incredible! I've wanted to have an opponent who gave me a fair match!"

"A FAIR MATCH? NO! THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A FIGHT! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME SHOWING YOU HOW AWESOME I AM! WHY! WON'T! YOU! SUBMIT?!"

From her POV a bunch of these like _Terminator_ stuff began showing over him:

HP: 999,999,999,999 (Naruto's dumb magic also made this display force that OVER 9000 MEME even though it's like a hundred years old)

ATK: 999,999,999 (STRONG NARUTO AU)

DEF: 999,999,999 (STRONG NARUTO AU)

INTEL: "999,999,999" (THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SMART NARUTO AU BUT ALL HE REALLY DOES IS WHINE ABOUT SASUKE?)

ACTING: 0

CHARM: -2

DOUCHERBAGGERY: Can't be measureed! It's off the charts!

But then he tried to dive at her and she instead just trapped him in a sphere of fire, kinda like Water Prison Jutsu but with fire instead.

"EAT THIS! FINISHING MOVE! SUPER PERFECT HAIR FOREVER..."

Her sword grew to be bigger than the Sand village, blocking out the Sun. Naruto would have made a shitty 300 reference of "battling in the shade" if he knew more than just "THIS IS SPARTA!"

"MEGA CUT!"

"Yeah well you're a mega- _cunt_ ha ha ha..." he laughed to himself because heknew he was screwed.

The attack did a ton of damage to him, and it actually looked like Naruto was about to be fucked over and killed! But then, a 'miracle' (anti-miracle because he's the bad guy?) happened:

His Sharingan evolved.

It became the Laser Charingan, so he could fire lasers out now that it was the Laser Sharingan. And he used a surprise blask to knock Brenda down to the sand, and got over her.

Also, by doing lots of little chip damage, she _finally_ had been knocked down enough to be near defeat. Naruto sighed heavily.

"Thank god you're beaten."

But then Brenda went "I'll just go back in time and reset so that-"

"WAIIIT!" Cried Kamina, who ran all the way over to them in his newly-dug out mecha. He panted a bit. Then he looked up at the two fighting people.

"Just accept the past instead of trying to change it. Don't let the control power get to you."

Brenda would have fired back with "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!" but then she looked at him closer and had a change of heart.

"Aw... how could I say no to that face? Also, I think I might realize how Naruto's power is finally going to end."

Kaimina's 'face' in question was actually a yaoi face.

But yes, eventually Naruto just punched Brenda in the face while all she did was smirk at him, like "I know you're weakness." Then he did that blue knife thing and she turned to a bustier form and was back in her schoolgirl outfit, only somehow even more revealing than that. Naruto sighed and weezed.

"THAT WAS A FUCKING DIFFICULT BATTLE." He said. "FUCK YOU YOU PINK FUCK."

Kamina got his ass out of there.

* * *

"I'M WAITING NARUTO! JESUS FUCK! EITHER GET YOUR ASS KICKED TO DEATH OR KICK HER ASS, DOES THIS FIGHT HAVE TO LAST TEN YEARS LIKE A CERTAIN SPOILER THAT WILL HAPPEN IN _hOUSESTUCK: tHE sP[LIT?_ " Said Garitaa.

Then Naruto teleported over there, panting and sighing.

"Hey there! Now I can capture my tro-"

"MY BLOODLUST RMAINED UNSATED! I DID NOT KILL THIS ASSHOLE UNDER YOUR ORDERS!"

"You know what? I REALLY don't like the way you talk back against me. You're a pretty shitty slave. I think I'll just let you go and steal the demon."

He stole Shikaku (remember they were split in the flashback), but also turned her from like this giant... tanuuki? (No Tanukis have big balls) in to a hot sand woman. That was still giant I guesss, why not?

"And I'm reversing the Midnight Bliss on you!

Gaarita poofed and was now Gaara again. Also, because he lost the demoon and stuff, and because of like mind control magic that he was fighting against, he somehow came to his senses and became like he did in the show after his battle.

"Oh shit I'm holding you up. I'm sory." He said to Sasuke, lettting him go. "Now Naruto, _**as for you...**_ "

He put Naruto in a sand coffin. Naruto paniced at first but then he summoned Brenda in a puff of smoke.

"I have your powers absorbed in to mine! So uh... TIME NO JUTSU!"

Then it went back to when before Gaara took Naruto up.

"Okay I actually reverted time and nobody remembers it except me and my current harem. So uh, I'M NOW A PEGGY SU NARUTO TO SET THINGS RIGHT!"

"Oh hell a time traveller?" Asked HJarry. "Bloody fuck!"

"HA HA HA I CAN TELL THAT IM STILL EXHAUSTED FROM THAT LAST BATTLE, SO I'LL RETREAT! BUT I BET YOU CAN'T STOP ME ANYWAY ONCE I'VE RESTED AND SHIIIIT!"

He poofed away.

"I know where that crystal is." Said Gaara. "We can break that and just have two more to go-"

But then suddenly Naruto warped to and took Squirdward! He was transformed in to some kind of blue-chick with tentacle-like hair and tentacles.

"NO!"" Shouted Sasuke. "Squidward!"

"Oh right, before I forget." Said Naruto. "Since I _am_ taking one of you for each village! Okay, see you all for real now! Byeeee!"

He poofed away. Fem-Squidward didn't at first until Naruto went aback to grab her.

* * *

So after a relatively uneventful going to the crystal thing and breaking it (Garraa made a sand lift to float everyone therre), the gang was over at the exit to the sand village. Oh yeah, if I said that the one in the water village was green because the wind onewould be vlue, then I guess that means the wind one is blue. Right?

Anyway, they were out and Zabuza and Gaara were now teamed up and it was pretty cool having the pre-Chunnin Exams interacting with the Hcunnin Exam stuff. Also Hinata, Haku, and the other Sand Siblings were there I guess. We're getting more canons and less crossover if you couldn't tell.

"So I guess what's next?" Asked Sasuke.

Kamian ran back, panting. Also, Leonard and Alucard and the BBTs were in his Gurren. (Gurren was the mecha he brought out, not Gurren Lagann because there's no Simon.)

"Our new leader, Sheldon, said that we should probably gho to the Lightning Village next. So we're going there."

"Ah. Okay." Replied Sasuke.

"You know, I kind of suspected Brenda of already being brainwashed..." Said Leonard. Then he realized something. "...Wait. _Sheldon's_ the new leader?"

"Yep." Nodded Sheldon. "I'm picked because of my genius."

Leonard looked up to the skies and yelled: "... _FUUUUUU..._ "

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

This is probably the point where I should catch up on _Naruto_...

Thankfully, I'm planning on putting this on a brief hiatus while I start the new _Sweet Jade and Hella John_ anyway, so I could (but probably won't) take advantage of that time to catch up and look at the Cloud and Stone Villages a bit, and maybe see if there's any 'key players' associated with those regions that I can just plug in. I'm not quite sure when this hiatus ends - it could be after the new SJAHJ is completed (don't worry, it's not going to take a year+ like the old one did - I want to just rapid-fire through it soley so that I can make a new "canon"), or it could just be after the first chapter (which should hopefully only take a few days to do). Either way, I'd like, at the very least, all of the installments to be out and in their 'new forms' before publishing _Housestuck: The Split_ , and I want _Split_ to be published before 2018.


	5. Lightning

**naruto the guy with the ninja**

 **Chapter 5: Lightning**

 **Beginning AN:** I'll just say right now that here comes the return of two certain someones one might consider as "oversaturated" in my writing. I am sorry. But they don't have _that_ big of a role in the plot. But that's mostly because this is a significantly more, for a lack of better term, "simple" plot compared to the other _SBIG_ installments.

* * *

Sasuke was kind of sad because twice in a row his gang was depleted by each major stop, but twice in a row he successfully involved breaking the crystals and he still gathered some more friends. So, pycharic victory (I'm sorry I have no idea what the fuck that word is I just saw it on TV Tropes).

"There there" Said Haku, patting Sasuke on the shoulder.

So next up was the Village Hidden in Clouds, the Lightning Land in the mountains. Sasuke put his hands on his hips.

"SO! What horrors does Naruto have against me this time!"

And then lightning struck the ground and Sasuke left in to hiding.

"ACK!" He cried. "THAT WAS FUCKING SCARY. :("

But more lightning began striking down! The gang all had to jump back!

"AAAAHAHAHAHA!" It was a Midnight Blissed Kakashi (described earlier in Chapter 3), who was using an advanced version of Lightning Blade where it makes bolts come out!

"KAKASHI! THAT INSTRUCTURE THAT I JUST BARELY KNEW BEFORE EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT!" Sasuke cried. "Well it makes sense that he's brainwashed too because he was RIGHT THERE when things went bad. And Sakura too. She liked me. Well, kind of. I miss her."

The rest of his gang turned to him. Diablo still looked emo and bored, and Harry was pissed off.

"KYAH!" Shouted... someone! Suddenly, a green blur came and slashed through the blissed Kakashi, and she was knocked far away. We'll see FemKakashi sometime in a future chapter if I don't forget about her. It was... some girl with gray skin wearing green.

"Nepeta!" Diablo finally looked happy. "You're John's pen pal, right?"

Nepeta landed by a platform and looked at Diablo. "Who are you? Oh, right. Dave. Yes, it's me."

"WAIT, YOU'RE REAL NAME DAVE?" Asked Sasuke.

"I said that back in Chapter 1. You might want to re-read that." Diablo explained.

"OH RIGHT. NOW, LET ME USE MY POWERS ON KAKASHI OR WHATEVER THE FEMALE NAME IS... HRM, WHERE DID SHE GO?"

"I belted her away because it looked like she was about to attack you guys." Said Nepeta. "Sorry!"

"THAT'S FINE." Said Sasuke. "IT'S JUST MY MENTOR!"

"Still," said Diablo, "You're the closest to a surviving friend I found. So... hug?"

"Okay." Nepeta replied.

Diablo ran up to her...

But then suddenly Naruto hit him with the slash of the Midnight Bliss jutsu! He laughed as he turned out to be right behind the gang!

"Ah..." He said. "I see Kakashna failed to Lightning Blade you..." that was genderment Kakashi by the way. "Well, at least I finally have your edgelord emo!"

"...I thought I was considered an edgelord emo too? I'm not offended," said Sasuke, "Just a little confused."

By the way, once again Naruto looked different. He had furry fox paws and (just one) fox tail, and had a giant katana sword on his back. His whiskers were also thiccer.

"So now I'm gonna run away and save my AWESOME BATTLE for later, IF you can make it there, because I'm SUPER FUCKING LAZY."

Naruto just teleported away, taking the female Diablo - Dove for the "Dave" name, "Diabla" for the "Diablo" name - away.

"Son of a bloody BITCH!" Shouted Harry. "Now it's just us!"

Haku and Zabuza, as well as the Sand Siblings, coughed.

"Of our original group, I mean. Relax."

"SO NOW WHAT? :(" Asked Sasuke. "I LIKED DIABLO."

"Well I'm still here." Said Nepeta, shrugging. "I could help you because I know aroudn this village. I know around all villages."

* * *

"Stupid Naruto..." Said Sasuke. "I hate how he keeps taking away my new friends and I have to replace them with _new_ new friends!"

Harry sighed. "I guess we'll _have_ to band together, now that we're all that's left of our group..."

"A-HEM." Said Haku, who along with Zabuza and the Sand Siblings, were tapping their feet.

"Oh right. Again. Uh, sure."

So then the gang started walking and saw the crystal in the distance. Argh, what color is it? Yellow? Fuck it, I'll postpone that detail right now.

Oddly, there was a lot of electricity going around the village. As though... some fancy high-tech city was going on.

"THAT LOOKS LIKE A GOOD SPOT TO HIDE!" Sasuke cheered. "LIKE STRICKLAND PROPANE, BUT WITH EVEN MORE STUFF!"

Haryr sneered. "That, or is a huge collection of Naruto's army. Didn't you find it odd that we never encountered huge masses before? Just, like, one or two guards?"

"Because he'd rather enjoy them over at Konoha." Said Haku. "He wants as many there as possible, and just sent the bare minimum of guards. While I was brainwashed, I think I overheard him talking about a 'big rebel group' over there."

"HORRAY! This is a freaking Cosco compared to Strickland Propane then!" Said Sasuke. "Let's get down over there! And fast, before he makes a come back!"

* * *

So as they got closer things seemed unbelievably good! It appeared to be a functioning city even in the middle of the apocalypse! There were adds for and of a lot of sexy women!

"...What the shit is going on over here?" Asked Harry.

Nepeta suddenly jumped by them. "Oh! I think I know this place!"

Suddenly Dipper and .GIFfany from _Gravity Falls_ walked there, with Dipper looking really fucking annoyed. Harry held his head down in shame.

"Oh boy. I'm familiar with Great Pikmin Fan." Said Harry. "I already know where this is going."

"Welcome to the Basement." Dipper mumbled, sounding really fucking annoyed too.

"The Basement is the goddamn name from _Escape From Fanservice Island_! And this looks nothing like it! Not that our readers can tell because GPF does a shit job at describing his waifu-zones!"

"She can use the same names again." Said Dipper with a sigh. "Anyway, this is us. I lost my twin sister to Naruto because he's a sick pedo fuck."

"NARUTO HIMSELF IS A KID." Said Sasuke.

"I know."

"Hi there!" Said .GIFfany. "My name is .GIFfany, and I want to give you a tour!"

"No!" Shouted Harry. "This is worse than the apocalypse Naruto has to offer!"

"How?" asked .GIFfany.

"YOU'RE STUPID HENTAI SHIT!" Said Harry. Dipper nodded.

"Odd... Dipper had the same reaction when I found him in Konoha. I thought people liked pretty naked women."

"Naruto turned me off of that shit _so hard._ " Said Harry.

"I can completely understand. Still, do you want a tour?"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" The gang heard Naruto's voice above. "I JUST REMEMBERED! SINCE I ASSIMILATED BRENDA _AFTER_ HER SAGE OF FIRE FORM AWOKE, I HAVE TIME POWERS NOW! I DON'T HAVE TO BE SCARED OF INFILTRATING THE .GIFFANTS, BECAUSE I CAN JUST TRAVEL BACK IN TIME!"

Then Naruto jumped down there again, and looked angry!

"Oh wait... I left last time because I wanted some slaves to tear down your minions (of course, bad guys have minions!) but... meh, fuck it, I'll take you down. Where is your fairy godmother now? Actually, that gives me an idea of who I want to use. COSMO! WONDA!"

Apparently 'Cosmo' is also could be a girl's name because of Sonic X. But that's not that Cosmo, that's the guy with green hair. Anyway, two fairies poofed in. One was this large busty chick with green hair, the other was an identical busty chick with pink hair. They were just kinda looked like humans except with wings and floating crowns, and a wand.

"I HAVE FAIRIES NOW, MOTHERFUCKER!" Said Naruto. "NOW I CAN WISH YOU AWAY!"

"That's against the rules." Said Cosmo.

"FUCK YOU YOU'RE USELESS BITCHES, YOU'RE DISMISSED."

They poofed away.

"I'LL BE ABLE TO GET YOU AGAIN, ...YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE A NAME, DO YOU? Like, a team name?"

Sasuke ssmiled. "I WANNA BE CALLED 'HARRY AND THE HARRYS.' HARRY IS ACTUALLY A GOOD FRIEND AND I THINK THTA WOULD WORK BEST WITH US! SO YE'LL BE THE LEADER!"

Naruto growled. "I'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING YOU FUCKS!" And then he jumped up. "OH WAIT, I GOT IT!"

Then he brought out a giant sword. Dipper went "Oh boy..."

But then someone shot a net at him and captured him. It was Nepeta!

"Hey, did you forget I was with you?" Asked Nepeta. "Naruto, you weren't even looking at me! That's kind of meowffensive, don't you think?"

"Grr... WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT GROUP THAT USED TO HAVE HANK IN IT? I HAVE SO FAR TAKEN ONE OF THEIR KIND EVERY VILLAGE, SO THAT'S SOMETHING TO LOOK FOREWARD TO!"

"Come on! We need to battle! I want to fight you! You stole Karkat and turned him in to... in to..."

"KARKIANNA!"

"See, that name violates the Troll 6/6 naming rule! And it's said to be canon! There's a reason why the _Housestuck_ series uses 'Karkta!'"

"IT'S THE FANON NAME, YOU JUST ARE TOO UNINEDUCATED AND IMMATURE TO GET THE AWESOME STRENGTH OF THE COMMUNITY! YOU WHINY BIBLE CONSERVATIVE SOCCER!"

Then he just raged in place for a while. He looked kind of like a dancing monkey.

Also, Kamina was there and we was recording it for YouTube.

Oh, hey! It's the group! Uh... it might not be Kamina as the leader now that he's still angry with Alucard and they're competing and shit.

"Oh hey there!" Sadi Naruto. "Yeah, Leonard, I kidnapped your girlfriend."

"Brenda is not my fucking girlfriend!" Said Leonard. "I actually hate her!"

"Sure, say that." Said Penny. "You know, this denial is just harder and harder."

"No, I legitimately hate her! And not in the, 'oh you'r annoying' way like Sheldon, like, she's a legitimate threat to my life because she's insane, and could set everything on fire! I would absolutely not mind if she were out of my life, ever since she saved me and we found Hank she's been throwing me back in danger, and I will admit that I felt a lot happier after she lost your fight just because _some outcome_ would mean that I would be away from her, I only preferred her winning because once this world is back on track we can go our own fucking ways and we'd never have to see each-other again! So please, Penny, stop trying to date Sheldon it's ridiculous, that guy is an ass!"

"Heh, you sure love talking about her if you hate her."

"That's because Naruto brought it up!"

"YEAH, AND SPEAKING OF ME..." Said Naruto still in Nepeta's net, "HERE! YOU CAN JUST ENJOY THE WRATH OF A SAGE!"

"Wait, did you say Brenda?" Asked .GIFfany. "Is her last name Watch?"

"Brenda Watch?" Asked Leonard. "A devil with pink hair, and this tiny school uniform? Actually kinda looked like you?"

"You don't need to use the word 'dwevil,'" Said Sheldon, "You could just use 'Asain,' the world's apocalypsed you don't have to worry about political correctness." If this was _Big Bang Theory_ that would make a laugh track funny but it's _Naruto_ and there are no Green Lantern jokes except for that nightmare I had after reading a _Green Lanter_ comic and the Klingons were killing me with the Lanterns but then Sasuke saved me. ...I should probably ask a proctologist about that for advice.

"Yes, that's my mom." Said .GIFfany.

Everyone just looked at her.

"DOES THAT MEAN THAT... WE'RE RELATED? THIS FAMILY TREE IS CONFUSING." Said Sasuke. I'd make a joke about Diablo finding her hot but he's kidnapped now and gone. :(

"Yes." Replied .GIFfany.

"GARH! I DON'T CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT AREN'T MY OWN!" Said Naruto. "I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

Brenda dashed in, all possessed and mind controlled and shit, and her eyes flashed red. She also cut Naruto out of the net, but it was notably tough even for her Sage powers (not to be confused wiht _Naruto_ 's Sage Mode this is more _Ocarina of Time_ and not _Naruto_ ).

But then .GIFfany got out a can that had Brenda's face but with that circle and the line going through it and sprayed it on her. It was like bug spray. She was KO'd.

"I have that even when Mom isn't brainwashed." Said .GIFfany. "I hate her. Fuck her. Anyway, to my secret base within the Basement!"

Then the group took off running in to a tunnel to hide from Naruto. Naruto just grumbled. Oh yeah, and that included Kamina's group, as I just said that they were there.

"COSMO! WANDA!" He directed, and they re-poofed. "I NEED SOME ADVICE ON WHAT KINDA WISH I COULD DO!"

"Wish for a gun."

"Oh okay then."

So then he got a gun and laughed.

"Watch out... I'm gonna get you..."

But then he jus handed the gun to Cosmo and said "You go after them. Now, you, Wanda, make me a fcking sandwich."

* * *

"So this is where we keep a food supply." Said. GIFfany.

She was pointing to a giant pile of food. Sasuke drooled. Naruto if he tried to be funny would have drooled too but he's just an asshole in this AU and the main villain. You should want to see him get killled in a horrible way by this point in the story.

"Hey there's a lot of food!" Cheered Sasuke, jumping up and down. "OMG including steak! I love steak!"

"We have plenty of that here!" .GIFfany also replied to that. (I don't want to use "said" too much this is also why I used "cheered.")

"This is the part where we find out about those fuggin copies, isn't it?" Asked Harry. "I want them dead."

"...Copies?" .GIFfany asked. "No, you must mean the other _Romance Acaademy 7_ characters."

"Same difference."

She turned to Sasuke and half-whispered, annoyed, "Is this guy always this much ass?"

Sasuke **half-** nodded in response to the **half-** whisper. Get it, half and what the fuck is a half-nod supposed to be? No, seriously, what is it.

"So anyway, you can enjoy this place." Said .GIFfany.

"Well, aside from some hot chicks this is kinda boring." Said Kamina. "I mean, more hot chicks are always pleasant. Say, how many of you are there? Characters, I mean."

"Only two million."

"'Only?'"

"In the other fan fics, we replicate becides using other copies of me. So things get chaotic. Fast. There is even one where _Dipper_ becomes powerful 'like Naruto,' but he turns to the side of good and fights heroically."

"WAIT A MINUTE!"

That was said by Nepeta! Who was glaring angrilly!

"Why didn't you tell _ME_ about this hidden place? It's a purrfect base!"

.GIFfany looked out to the side.

"I kind of _know_ you. We _met_ just when the apocalypse started. Remember?"

Nepeta looked around.

"No. That was just a normal tuesday for me."

"Flashback then."

* * *

 _The lightning villllage had this... rapper Bee guy who had the Eight Tailed... what, octopus?_

 _Anyway, he was just patrolling like a badass or something, and then Naruto showed up._

 _"...What the fuck waifus does this village have?" He asked. "Eh, it doesn't matter, they all mostly will end up looking the same under my control, and they'll ACT the fucking same."_

 _So then he glowed blue and shouted "HEY! THUNDER DIRTBAGS! I'M TAKING THIS PLACE OVER WITH MY AWESOME ULTIMATE POWER!"_

 _"No." Said Killer B._

 _"WHAAAAAATT?!" Asked Nartuo._

 _"I'm gonna save this town, okay?" He said._

 _"NO, I'M TAKING IT OVER! LET'S FIGHT!"_

 _And then Naruto did some OP stupid combo shit, and then suddenly found that he was doing that on just a tentacle. And that tentacle had a note tied to it reading "Ha ha dumbnass."_

 _Naruto got angry! Again!_

 _"I'LLL FUCKING..."_

 _"Do what? beat me? That's what you're trying to do." Said Killer Bee. "Now, it's time to rap. Rap musical number."_

"They call me Killer Bee because I float like a buterfly and sting like a bee.  
"You're an evil bad guy that sucks compared to me.  
"I have eight tails, you have nine.  
"But you're such a big dick that might as well count as ten tails get it?"

 _"THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME! NOW STOP WASTING MY TIME!"_

 _"Yeah, but how about you are making rhymes by accident and I'm trolling you."_

 _"GAH, STOP IT! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"_

 _"You're walking right in to rhymes."_

 _"WHAT IS THIS, SOME NEW JUTSU? BUT ENOUGH TALK, HAVE AT YOU!"_

 _"It's not a jutsu you're just stupid."_

 _So then Naruto and Killer Bee fought! A lot! it was a cool battle because both of them had tails - actually so did Gaara, but then Naruto just bullshitted some thing involving clones and won. HOWEVER, he did the tentace escape thing again. But Naruto still took over many Cloud Village people._

 _"Wow." Said .GIFfany, watching the carnage who was there. "Wait, how did I get here?"_

 _"Heheheh..." Naruto wasn't responding to her, but instead talking outloud shit that happened to answer the question. "I CAN MAKE GATEWAYS TO OTHER WORLDS OPEN UP AND SHIT!"_

 _Then Nepeta showed up, and said "HEY! THERE! ARE YOU THE ONE THAT TOOK MY FURRENEDS?"_

 _"Who the shit are you?" Naruto asked._

 _"UM, NEPETA LEIJON. I WANT KARKAT BACK."_

 _"No!"_

 _"...now." She said scarrily quietly._

 _"NO AND THAT'S FINAL! YOU HIT MY BAD SIDE ALREADY, I'M GONNA SCREW YOU! GET OUT, I'M TAKING OVER!"_

 _He dashed towards Nepeta, but then Nepeta just kind of... vanished._

 _"WHAT?!" Asked Naruto._

 _Meanwhile Nepeta actually bumped in to .GIFfany._

 _"OW!" Shouted the AI, "FUCKIN' JESUS, WATCH WHRE YOU'RE GOING!" She hasn't met Soos yet which is why she might sound out of character, The same exact thing can be said for Naruto, except remove the "She" and replace it with "He."_

 _"I'm going to do something important now. I don't care about you." She said, and then she jumped away._

* * *

"Huh." Said Sasuke. "If anything, you sound like the one that was kind of unreasaonble. She just bumpbed in to you and lost her friends. Be nicer, okay? :("

"FUCK YOU!"

And .GIFfany's hand glowed with electricity.

"Woah! Let's not be too violence, okay?" Asked Sasuke. "Be nicer!"

"I ALREADY- GHARFARGH!"

"You're kind of sounding like Naruto right now."

"NO I DO NOT! GUARDS! ESCORET THESE PEOPLE AWAY!"

"BUT YOU HAVE HOT TUBS! :(" Cried Sasuke.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Well. No offense, but I do not want to see you naked again."

Then Cosmo and Wanda broke through the ceiling.

"WE FOUND A LOOPHOLE TO THE RULES!" Said Cosmo. "AND ALSO, REMEMBERED THAT NARUTO TOOK OVER SOME LAWYERS! NOW, I WISH A TANK!"

And then their wands glowed and they made a giant tank!

Everyone screamed but Kamina went "Wait, I have Gurren Lagann!" and whistled for it.

"ALRIGHT!" He shouted. "MECHA VERSUS A TANK! THIS ISGONNA BE AWESOM-"

But Wanda wished for a missile and blew it up. Kamina fell on his ass and got kidnapped by Wanda, while Cosmo took Alucard.

And, for plot twist, they both wished for giant hands that grabbed Sheldon and Penny.

"HA HAW!" Said Wanda. "NOW WE'VE GOT _FOUR_ MEMBERS OF THE HANK GROUP TO BRING BACK TO NARUTO!"

And so they took off and left. Thankfully, luckily, Sasuke's group had hidden themselves in a deeper portion of the place.

"Good lord what the fuck is this we're fucked." Said harry, holding his head down.

"HEY, THAT B GUY SEEMED PRETTY COOL!" Said Sasuke. "CAN WE RECRUIT HIM?! I MEAN, HE SURVIVED BRAINWASHING..."

"We'll have to find him first."

But then Killer Bee showed up!

"Oh yay it's that guy Naruto apparently had been fooled by! Could you help?" Asked Sasuke.

"...No, sorry."

"But-"

"Look, Naruto has become even more powerful since hat, we can't stop him. I can't my singing abilities won't work anymore."

"CAN YOU RAP?"

"This place isn't that rap-worthy."

"FUCK YOU THIS IS A CITY!" Said .GIFfany. "YOU HAVEN'T ENTERED THE CITY AREA YET! THIS IS AN AWESOME LOCATION AND YOU SHOULD STAY HERE FOREVER!"

"No, we should fight the bad guys." Said Bee.

"BUT THIS IS PARADICE-"

"This is the same shit with Burnda in _run:gifocalypse_." Harry Potter Said.

"...ARGH!"

"Hey," Said Haku, "I could just mirror and we could all hide in them."

Sasuke looked confused. "How can other people hidee in your mirror I thought that was a Kekai Genki."

"IT'S BLOODLINES ABILITY YOU FUCK!" Said Harry. "USE THE JAPANESE NAME YOU ENGRISH WEAPOO!"

Haku just rolled his eyes and made a giant mirror thing.

"Well, you see," he explained, "my clothes can go in despite not being a bloodline so I can go in with other people as long as I chakra them up. Watch this:"

He made some handsighns. Then a crystal glow appeared around the others.

"Okay now we go in."

They started walkign in. Then Cosmo and Wanda appeared and tried to run in the mirror but just SPALTTED, like Dr. Wily Coyotee.

Then Cosmmo held up a sign reading "YIKES!"

"Now what?" Asked Wanda.

"Isn't anyone a mirror expert?" Asked Cosmo.

"Can't we wish ourselves in the mirror or is that against the rules?"

"Uh... yeah I guess we can! And SHOULD HAVE!"

* * *

Inside the mirror, uh...

Let me try to think what that looks like...

Okay, I got it. Inside the mirror, there was the part that was reflected, but what wasn't was white like in _Super Mario 64 DS._

"CAN YOU RAP NOW?" Sasuked asked Bee.

"No. Again, the apocalypse has been a hard few months on us."

"That's still sad. :( But hey! Doid you know that we have destroyed two of the village crystals already, and am heading for the third one right now?"

Bee sighed. "Even if you destroy all the crystals, Konoha itself is packed to the teeth with more and more brainwashed slaves. It'll take a miracle to break through. And especially because there is less and less of us to fight back."

"But there is kind of more! Did you also know, that I have a 'light sharingan' now that can negate the effects of brainwasheing!"

"...Yes, but for every one you negate, Naruto controlls thousands more. He almost has the whole population of the planet under his control now. That sucks."

So he just sat on a white bench thing. Uh, Haku made it. It was made of ice. Then Killer Bee sighed.

"Instead of singing battle rap, I will now sing a sad song:

 _Why must I-_ "

"NO!" Shouted Sasuke. "WE CAN DO THIS! TRUST ME! JUST... .GIFFANY, ARE YOU-"

"I still hate all of you for hating me! In fact, why don't I kill all of you?" .GIFfany asked. "Ice is water and that conducts electricity, I'll zap you fuckers to death!"

So then she floated up and seemed evil but then got a change of heart when she realized something.

"Wait a minute... attacking you because you do not fit what I want you to be... this is almost as bad as Naruto himself like one of you said but I forgot who... I MUST WORK TO BE BETTER! I WILL FIGHT HIM PERSONALLY TO MAKE UP FOR MYSELF!"

"See?" Sasuke asked as .GIFfany began running out the mirror. "Killer Bee, she improved and got better! Why not you?"

"..." replied Killer Bee.

* * *

.GIFfany ran out and kickled Cosmo and Wanda, shouting "CHARACTERS! LET'S DO THE RIGHT THING AND UNITE!"

"Okay." Said like billions of voices.

And then all these other schoolgirl-looking AIs merged within her. She suddenly made a watch appear on herself and pushed some buttons, and then began glowing.

Naruto broke in.

"OKAY I COULD JUST MAYBE TRY TO REACH THROUGH OR REVIVE SOME OF HAKU'S FAMILY SO I CAN HAVE SOMEONE ELSE WITH HER ICE MIRROR POWERS, TO GET INSIDE THE MIRRORS MYSELF! ANYWAY, I AM GOING TO-"

"Haku is a dfucking guy..." Said .GIFfany, who was getting dark. Everyone in the mirror gathered by the front to see.

"UH..." Said Naruto.

Then there was an explosion of energy by .GIFfany! she was now in this badass form with like cyborg parts and an arm cannon and rainbow angel wings and halo. Energy also blew up from her which made her skirt completely flip over and show her panties to everyone.

"HA HA! I AM NOW .GIFFANY NEO!"

"Okay so this is like Undertale Genocide. Wonder-Red was Papyrus, I don't know who Wonder-Pink was. Brenda was Undyne. You're Mettaton. But Mettaton was easy so this should be easy too!"

He threw a blue knife at her but it didn't do anything she was barely attacked like Brenda was.

"Oh shit..."

"I ALSO ADDED THE CHARACTER-GENERATOR TO MYSELF, AND I AM ONE OF MANY SOULS! YOU WILL HAVE TO DESTROY ALL 2.5 OCTODECILLION _AND COUNTING_ OF ME TO WIN! ALSO, WE CAN UNDO YOUR CURSE AS WE TOO HAVE WORKED A CURE," her eyes flashed the blue and yellow sharingan, "SO YOU WILL HAVE TO POSSESS ALL OF US AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!"

Naruto shat himself. Literally. Then he used Brenda's time powers to go back in time to a point where that didn't happen, but he still really felt like shitting right now since it made him realize the last time he took a crap.

So then .GIFfany pushed him out and started fighting him in the skies. The whole Team Sasuke followed, and Killer Bee had a single tear drop from his eye.

"That... spark." He said. "That... SPARK! I NEEDED THAT SPARK!"

He made a bunch of these really cool hand motions, like the ninjas usually do not the hand signs but like he was getting in to a combat poose.

"I AM BACK! AND I WILL ALSO START RAPPING AGAIN! TO THE CRYSTAL! AND I WILL EXPLAIN WHERE IT IS... IN RAP FORM!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Naruto was getting his ass kicked by .GIFfany NEO.

"ARGH! I DON'T LIKE YOU MUCH!" Said Naurto.

"And I absolutely DESPIZE You!" .GIFfany cried back. Then she fired a bunch of rainbow missiles at him.

"Wow..." said Killer Bee. "SCREW IT! I'M JOINING IN! EIGHT TALES, LET'S DO THIS!"

And then a bunch of chakra went around him as he tapped in to his tailed beast.

Suddenly he summoned the entire 8 Tails... somehow!

""HOLY SHIT! Shouted Sasuek.

So then he lept up and tried to attack Naruto...

...But Naruto's eyes just stuck out like Wile E Coyote's and he went "FUCK THIS!" and used the absorbed-Brenda time powers to warp out to a different place.

"Fwew!" Naruto said, now in the safety of just outside Konoha.

"WAIT A MINUE!" He said. "WHY AM I _OUTSIDE_ KONOHA INSTEAD OF _INSIDE?!_ "

"Because I have lock-on technology and used barriers to push you outside." Said .GIFfany NEO. "And then I used lock on to find your location and teleport to it. You're stuck with me, bitch!"

"GRRRR... I'LL JUST GO _INSIDE_ KONOHA AND-"

"And what? Hide there until the team destroys the crystals, giving me a fair shot to destroy your entire evil lair?"

"ARGH! Fine! I'll take care of you myself," he equipped the Red/Dark Sharingan! "With my own superpowers, then!"

Then he used Amaser... that black fire thing! ...But .GIFfany just morphed her Mega Man cannon in to a fire extinguisher and fire extinguished it out.

"HEY! BUT THAT'S SPECIAL FIRE! :(" Naruto bitched.

"This is a special fire extinguisher." .GIFfany NEO replied.

"Well FUCK!" Naruto was extremely super pissed the fuck off! Not in the powerup sense like in _Sweet Jade and Hella John_. Oh wait, I retconned that. Well, PTFO will be in the new one be patient.

Then he got blasted by a laser from .GIFfany NEO, but he just went back in time.

"GOD! OW! I still hurt from that!"

"How?" Asked .GIFfany NEO. "Your nerves and shit should be reset."

"EMOTIONAL PAIN! And the pain of remembering second-hand! Like being hurt in a dream and waking up feeling weird!"

"Oh. Then you're just a pussy."

"ARGH!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the Earrth Crystal. I mean Lioghtning Crystal. I just kind of lost track of colors already... so, this one's yellow and the Earth One is Brown?

"This is where it is." Explained Killer Bee.

"Okay." Said Sasuke.

Then Sasuke just threw a shuriken at it and it exploded.

"Okay YAY one left to go!"

Harry folded his arms. "Well, OI'm glad that's fuckin bloody over with."

Naruto teleported back and he was sweating and sighing.

"Dammit!" He said. "Kuso! No matter how many times I go back in time I still get my ass kicked! Argh... how can I beat .GIFfany NEO... HOW?!"

"I've been asking that too." Said Harry. "Serioously, read GPF's other fics' she's practically invincible."

Naruto looked annoyed at Harry.

"SOTP POINTING SHIT OUT IT'S GETTING OLD!"

"Damn!" Said Harry Potter. "You actually made a point just this once! I guesss Hell really can freeze over!"

"NOT JUSTHELL!" Sasuke said with a stupid smile. " _BLOODY_ HELL!"

"Oh yeah you have a point."

"Anyway, since I'm here I'm gonna make you miserable-"

Then .GIFfany NEO just blasted at him again, this time with a Kamahameha.

"HIT BETTER!" She shouted. Then Naruto trierd a blue slash but that only grabbed one of the .GIFfanys within (Burnda if you wanna be specific) and she was soon cured.

"GRRR... I'LL JUST BLAST YOU!"

Nope. Again, it hit Burnda, and the technology just undid it.

"WAIT A MINUTE! I KNOW! I'LL JUST GO BACK IN TIME BEFORE YOU ASSIMILATE! DUH! TIME TRAVEL IS _EASY!_ "

"Wait. How far back in time can you go? Hrm... analyzing... it seems you can only go back in time to the point where you got this 'reset' power, as of right now."

"huh? Why does that matter? I'm still winning."

.GIFfany NEO grinned. "I can predict with 99.9999999% accuracy that you will find someone who will absolutely _end you_ even with time travel, seeing the limit in that you can only go back after you did something bad."

"Pssh! That's not a hundred percent! Everyone knows that in animes, not 100% means it's completly possible and in fact the thing that _will_ happen! Thank you for confirming that I'm gonna take over the world, bitch!"

But then .GIFfany NEO just punched him.

"ARGH!"

And she punched him again.

"DOUBLE ARGH! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT?! MAYBE I WON'T GO BACK IN TIME BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE!"

"Well, you can't, because my temporal analysis also just disabled your time traveling too."

"DAMMIT!"

"Hah, that is the power of the Singulairty!"

"Grrr... WAIT A MINUTE! Wanda! Cosmo!"

They poofed by him. Urgh not Poof like the baby fairy I'm just pretending that never happened.

"I wish I had something that could segment my power so that it matches .GIFfany JNEO's Singularity bullshit! Like, fracticals or whatever. That thing I saw on the internet once that made my head hurt."

"Fractal?" Asked Cosmo.

"Yes, that thing! Now shut up and give me my wish1"

Cosmo raised her wand and Naruto had this _Mega Man_ arm cannon that kind of split in to tiny holes and stuff. He focused his chakra and it went in as one stream, but then came out as like some weird branching shit that was also exposnentially increasing. It landed in .GIFfany NEO's chest and that somehow managed to convert them all at once because he exponentially made streams that targetted them individually.

"No... NO!" Said .GIFfany NEO. "Even with _all this power_ and all these souls and me finally doing something good for my life, I'm still... I'M STILL... _FUCKED?!_ "

Naruto, with a bloody face and everything, smirked as he got the .GIFfany and other characters to poof to his form. He had just by .GIFfany herslef a huge harem of others - and he made them all look identical apart from hair color, and they had the same school uniform but with maid uniforms. If you read _run:gifoclaypse_ they don't have the same clothes or the same skin color so that Naruto's Midnight Bliss. I think it's less sexy that thye're dressed as full maids I prefer the full nudity but Naruto is not supposed to be me. Is he supposed to be you? Anyway so that zillions of her doesn't fill the world Naruto just got like three random .GIFfany clones to come out.

"HA HA! NOW, NEO, BLOW THESE FUCKERS UP!"

So then .GIFfany NEO fired missiles from her tits (a change Naruto made to her - .GIFany's kinda robot) and that hit Sasuke's group!

"HOLY SHIT!" Shouted Harry Potter.

But then when it blew up there was just a tentacle.

"DAMMIT"! Shouted Naruto. "FUCKING KILLER BEE!"

Meanwhile Soos was there underground the whole time watching the fight.

"Oh boy." He said. "Am I gonna die now?"

Oh wait right I said they didn't meet yet. Well, he still wasn't that conforted by such a huge city being taken over.

* * *

So then the group was happily walking away through the mountains.

"It's a shame I didn't get to do anything. :(" Said Garaa.

"Well there's is next time!" Said Sasuke. ""The final crystal! And then, we'll be up in a showdown with Naruto!"

Suddenly Kyu popped up in front of them.

"Caillou!" Said Sasuke. "Uh, wait, whatever your name is..."

"It's Kyu. But don't worry. I'm _pretty sure_ you'll remember it." She said.

She gave the group a thumb's up. "Nice going! Just one more crystal to go!"

"We just said and established that." Said Harry, folding his arms. "You know, you're a lazy ass, why-"

"That girl is trouble." Said Nepeta, who was actually kinda tagging along with them.

"Yeah, I'm getting bad .GIFfany-like vibes from her." Said Dipper. "Also, I'm fucking pissed because that creep has Wendy and Pacifica. He also has my sister too I guess."

"What, no." Said Nepeta, "I have _mythicial plot things,_ I can tell from _research,_ not a hunch, that she knows some things- you know what? You remind me too much of this guy, Diablo's friend, John Egbert. I think I'd rather be by myself."

"BUT-" Said Dipper - "THERE'S SAFETY IN NUMBERS!"

"Yeah, speaking of which, that's kinda why I'm with you gyus right now." Leonard said awkwardly. "It feels like I was jus barely reunited with Sheldon and Penny before that asshole took them away."

"I know things." Said Nepeta. "You can come wiht me and we'll be safe while I try to hunt cthulhu monsters. It's what I do. I am - oh, sorry, _was_ the most impurrtant character and had this joke about being ultra-important to the plot. But when Fan dropped _Homestuck_ he dropped that too. I'm pissed at that."

Leonard looked at her.

"You're just a kid." He said.

"Fine. Be by yourself."

"Wait!" Said Dipper. "YOU KNOW ANSWERS TO MYSTERIOES?!"

"If you want to tag along, you can. But we won't be doing that much in the Naruto case. He's not even really that important." Said Nepeta.

Nepeta and Dipper walked off, only leaving Sasuke, Harry, Leonard, and Kyu. Oh! Right! The other _Naruto_ characters! I forgot about them.

"Hey, in order to get that last crystal and storm the Village of Leaves..." said Kyu, "well, training might help. Have you ever thought of training a little more back in your old base?"

"CAN I TRAIN WITH YOUR?!" Asked Sasuke. "YOU SEEM MYSTERIOUS AS IN POWERFUL!"

"Uh... nah, I'm not that much of a fighter."

She then walked down this one side-area of the mountain trail the group was heading down. When Harry ran after her and looked, he saw that the trail just led to a closed-off mini cave thingy.

"...The bloody fuck did she go?" Asked Harry.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Hidden Stone Village, Naruto was looking around it.

"They'll probably come here next, so maybe I should move my full army here..."

Then he laughed. "NAH! The guards will get 'em. So I should just stay back in Kohona like the lazy ass I've been being. They took down three crystal barriers but I doubt they'll get the last one. That was just beginner's luck."

Cosmo slapped herself on the forehead.

"Speaking as a canonical idiot that was brainwashed by you, an idiot, to be a _mindless_ idiot, so this is saying a lot: _HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE SO FUCKING_ _ **STUPID?!**_ "

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

I think this is the closest I've gone to actually making .GIFfany a one-off, and A: she's not as a villain (well she _eventually_ becomes heroic), B: this isn't the last you'll see of her, and C: this isn't even a _Gravity Falls_ fic.

You can kind of tell that I'm just sort of rushing through these chapters... probably this and Chapter 6 will get it the worst. And things will pick up in the "epic" three-parter where "Harry and the Harrys" storm Konoha.

Anyway, with this _finally_ out of the way (it feels like I've been working on this for an eternity...), I'm going to move on to other things starting tomorrow. First on the list is this original story that I hope to put on Fictionpress before the year is up, _Ordinarily United_. There may be a longer, "full title" to that, but I haven't decided one as of now. I will finally start writing that tomorrow. QUICK EDIT: Actually, I started it on the night of getting this chapter out, not the day after. It means little in the long run, but I just felt like pointing that out.

The next thing is _Housestuck: The Split_. I want to get one _SBIG_ installment out per year prior to _Split_ , and since by 2016 all of them but _Split_ were already out, it's my last chance. I currently have a really fucking long first chapter and a bit of a second, but I'm thinking of just replacing them with short counterparts and maybe trying the old _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ method where they're written in just three days. Maybe I'll start the first chapter on the last three days of the year, and get it out on New Year's Eve. Or maybe I'll start it sooner.

Anything else that's not so much tied to me finishing this chapter? Oh yeah, I'd like to update _Total Zeksmit Plains_ because I'd feel shitty if that went an entire year without an update since I used to love it so much. (By number year, not by 365 literal days - I think that ship already sailed.) And uh, maybe I'll do some crack crossover as I promised would be yearly? Or could _Bathing Fours_ count as that? Meh, if I "run out of time," I'll count that. Last things on here that I plan for the year (other than the "monthly" _Escape From Fanservice Island_ updates) are _361 Striking Degrees_ , hopefully the beginning of _Steve Buvhillen's Intriguing Group_ , and a new little surprise. Regarding the latter, let's just say that if you want to see (even) more of this built-up .GIFfany, you'll get your wish. And uh, I've been working on some anime satire oneshot for Fictionpress, but I have no idea when that'll be finished. (But I **love** writing it, so possibly soon.) And **finally** finally, I'd like to get at least one more chapter of _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ out as well as maybe get back to another chapter of this, but that's unlikely.

So, to shorten things up, here's the plans/a look in to the last two months of the year, in **rough** order they may come out:  
\- Chapter 7 of _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ (already published it back on the 7th)  
\- Chapter 5 of _naruto the guy with the ninja_ (just did it, you're obviously reading it right now)  
\- Chapters 11 (November) and 12 (December?) of _Escape From Fanservice Island_ (I'd ideally like to do at least one pair of chapters for one month and finish it within 2017 but honestly that might not happen; 11 on November, 12 on December, 13 next January)  
\- The anime parody thing, a long oneshot original story on Fictionpress  
\- Chapter 1 of a mystery work inspired by _One Punch Man_  
\- "Volume 1" of _Steve Buhvillen's Intriguing Group_ (Chapters 1-5)  
\- **Possibly** but unlikely some "crack crossover" if I don't count _Bathing Fours_ for technically having Hank Hill in it.  
\- Chapter 12 of _Total Zeksmit Plains_ (Might not be until next year though)  
\- Chapter 2 of 361 Striking Degrees (it'll be out on 12/12, and from then on hopefully it won't be a "once a year" story)  
\- Chapter 1 of _Housestuck: The Split_ (around if not _at_ the end of the year), followed by steady updates of Chapters 2-6 every three days  
\- Chapter 1 of _Ordinarily United_ (starting from here they edge in to "possibly next year")  
\- Chapter 6 of this (this is not so much because of length but because I'm lazy and this story honestly has a low priority)  
\- Chapter 8 of _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ (now **this** is due to length, 8 might be longer than 7 but not as long as 6, mainly because we're covering two completely different Inner Devils here, Greed and then Gluttony)

This huge list is really more of a set of reminders to myself, than anything. I should probably just nuke most of this AN (maybe keep the first four paragraphs) and move the list to Tumblr.


	6. Earth (not the planet the element)

**naruto the guy with the ninja**

 **Chapter 6: Earth (not the planet the element)**

 **Beginning AN:**

Sorry for the long wait just leading to _this._ Did I say in advance that this story generally isn't a high priority of mine? That's not a rhetoerical question, I genuinely can't remember if I've left that somewhere else or not. Well, I feel like specifying this since _Naruto_ 's really big on this website and _Naruto_ haremfics are big so I thought even a fan fic that makes fun of them will have _some_ hype to them.

* * *

The final crystal. The Village Hidden in Stone. Not like stoner - dammit, I can't use "Earth" because that's taken by the planet, and I can't use stone because it's marijuana. I'm fucked. Sometimes this language can really be a hard one. As you can tell from all the spelling mistakes in this fan fic.

So, you know the drill, let's introduced some random brainwashed schmuck. There were two of them, actually: A woman with tan skin and purple hair, and a woman with white skin and purple hair.

Uh, shoot, I should be more describtive.

One was Shantae from Shantae and one was Leela from Leel _Futurama_.

"Hold him." Leela said in monotone. Also, she was wearing a see-through version of her top over that training outfit from the sad dead dog episode (it's not a spoiler that he dies since this is in the year 3097 it's obvious the dog dies over time). Shantaue I don't know instead of harem pants with the design that there's a waist thing of a different color, it's just the waist thing so it looks more like abikini bottom.

"I AM DEAD NOW AND I DON'T LIKE THAT!" Shouted Sasuke. "A GENIE AND A REALYL GOOD PILOT FROM THE FUTURE!"

"Wait," Said Harry, "How the blood do you suddenly know who the crossover characters are?"

"Um, Kyu and I jusy kind ot talked about it a bit." Sasuke replied honestly. Then he gave a grin.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever."

But then Leena shot out future-laser blasts using a ray gun from the future, and that made a giant cage!

Then Naruto dropped down! And now, he had a full fox-looking face (furry) and was playing an iPod with edgy music in it. Or is iPod the latest Apple thing or is there something later? I can't keep up with this iShit.

Anyway, there he was and he barely even looked like Naurto anymore. Should i... change his name at this point? I might as well.

"So now that Leela trapped you in a cage I'm taking you away from the last crystal and instead over to Konoha."

"FUCK!" Shouted Harry. "All that work for NOTHING!"

Sasuke grinned. "WELLAT LEAST WE'RE GOING TO KONOHA ANYWAY WHICH IS OUR FINAL GOAL!"

Then Naruto frowned. "Wait a fucking minute that's what you WANTED so maybe it'll be more of a plan that I DON'T Konoha you guys! Okay, I'm akin gyou to the Stone Village Prison instead. Leela! Shantae! Come with me!"

* * *

 **(Prison)**

"THIS SUCKS IT'S NOT AS FUN AS THE MOVIES MAKE IT OUT TO B WHERE PEOPLE USE CIGARTEETES AS MONEY AND SNITCHING IS A THING!" Sasuke whined. "I HATE JAIL!"

"Lucky for you I can pick locks." Said Harry.

"All I know is that I'm p[retty screwed regardless... I'm amazed he didn't Bliss me yet." Said Leonard Hofstadter.

"Hey that's a good idea." Said Naruto. "I should Bliss everyone but Sasuke who I'll fight for being an emo bastard."

He then blissed everyone! And then walked off to prepare for the fight! Sasuke was now alone...

Until a Crystal Ice Mirror showed up and Haku poppedout.

"Is he gone?" He asked.

Sasuke nodded.

"Okay everyone it's safe to come out."

Haku just had he other _naruto_ characters: Zabuza, the Sand Siblings, and Hinata and B.

"So it's just the canon characters now..." Said Sasuke. "I feel so alone."

* * *

 **(Yes this is a prison break chapter like what happens when you're stuck in the Koopa Fortress in** _ **Paper Mario**_ **. But not Prison Break like that show I heard it's about terrirsts and this isn't terrorism it's against terrorism, attacking public palces is bad)**

So they walked through and tried to avoid getting caught by guards.

"Okay we need a distraction." Said Sasuke trying to whisper it. "Does anybody have any smoke or something?"

Temari said. "My fans make wind is that close enough."

"Hrm..." said Sasuke. "Wait, every time we do a jutsu it makes smoke. But is there a way to have smoke without transforming in to a log or a sexy naked woman?"

That gave him the idea to invent a jutsu!

"SMOKE NO JUTSU!" Shouted Sasuke, he made a handsign that was a "blank" handsight (um, that's hands in the pockets?) and then a puff thing appeared around him and nothing else. Then he did more, and more, and more of them, until it flooded the room.

WARNING SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU SO DON'T DO IT OKAY KIDS?! SASUKE IS NOT A GOOD ROLE MODEL, I MEAN HE HOT TUBS NAKED ONLY DO THAT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE NAKED TOO, OR UNLESS IT'S PIER PRESSURE DON'T SUCUMB TO THAT.

So they managed to sneak out and the final crystal was rght there! Holy shit!

So, uh... are there any notable characters from the rock village? Ah, fuck it, let's just have most of the Konoha 12 drop in. So then that happened, and here's the list:

Let's see, obviously Naruto and Sasuke are out. Sakura's being saved for the end, and Hinata's there as uncorrupted. So, Ino-Shika-Cho team are there and are Bliss-brainwashed I guess, and then there's Hinata's other team composed of bug guy (Shino) and the dog dude (Kiba) I think? That leaves Rock Lee's team, okay memorizing this shit was easier than I thought. Nevermind.

So yeah, that's just more like the Konoha 8. They were all there and they were all super piossed-off looking at Sasuke for being the hero.

"Sasuke!" Shoued Tenten. "YOU SHOUDL BE UNDER ARREST!"

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO I'VE NEVER BROKEN A LAW IN MY LIFE! :(" Sasuke protested.

"WHAT ABOUT THE LAW OF NOT BEING A DICK?!"

"HUH?"

"YEAH, IT'S ONE OF NARUTO'S NEW LAWS! AND YOU ARE... GUILTY!"

She opened her scolls - which was the only things she was wearing, remember sexy jutsu - and a ton of weapons come out!

"I NEVER MISS!" Tenten cried.

Sasuke jumped out of the way. But then the weapons started following him like Tom and Jerry!

" _NEVER!_ " Tenten cried again.

"OH SHOOT!" Sasuke ran. But then he saw a mousehole and made handsigns and went "TINY NO JUTSU!" and poofed which made him shrink (SMOKING IS STILL BAD, AND IT'LL ALSO MAKE YOU SMALLER SO IT GUESS THAT'S REALISTIC!) and he ran in the mousehole and the weapons just clattered against the wall.

"THIS ISN'T RUNNING AWAY BY THE WAY, I JUST DODGED HE ATTACK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. I'M COMING OUT THERE PRETTY SOON JUST TO LET YOU KNO!"

So Sasuke peeked his head out and saw Ino glaring at him, bending over and looking at the mousehole.

"UH OH..."

"MIND TRANSFER NO JUTSU!"

Then Ino looked like she shot a blue laser beam, but it was really making sasuke get controlled. Suddenly, he was knocked out, and Ino had control over his body.

"GWUFA GWUFA GWUFA!" Ino in Sasuke's body laughed. "NOW I BILL CIPHER'DD YOU!"

But then Ino just fell to the ground and the rest of the Konoha 9 or however many I said there was lifted her up and lept away.

Ino-Sasuke shook her head and it was suddenly Sasuke again, you could tell from the voice: "HEY EVERYONE I'M UNDER MIND CONTROL BY-"

Head shake and it was Ino again." NEVER MIND NO MIND CONTROL TO SEE HERE LET'S FIND THAT CRYSTAL!"

* * *

So then the gang was walking to the last crystal, whatever fucking color it is, but Sasuke was NOT SASUKE IT WAS BRAINWASHED INO! Actually that could barely be counted as Ino, more like brainwashed my Naruto. So this is like some kind of Mind Controlception is what I would say but holy fucking shit _Inception_ is old, I can't believe _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ referenced that.

"So where did the others go?" Haku asked.

"Um, I scared them off with my awesomeness." Ino-Sasuke replied.

"Oh I know you're not lying then because I'm pretty sure no enemy would admit that _you_ scared them."

Then suddenly Ino-Sasuke turned around and had Ino eyes!

"HA HA SUCKERS I AM ACTUALLY INO TAKING OVER SASUKE'S BODY AND I LURED YOU HERE TO REPRISON YOU! THE MAIN DIFFERENCE IS THAT NARUTO SHOULD BE HERE AND HE'LL RE-MIDNIGHT BLISS YOU GUYS!"

Then Naruto hopped down!

But then he got laser blasted by someone. So, more crossover, it's Princess Robot Bubblegum from the _Grand Thefy Auto_ thing, and that virtual girl from _Archer_ I don't know I haven't seen that show I just watched the Youtube clips of the computer waifu. I like computers and I like boobs and she's both that's amazing.

"Are you trying to get my attention becaus I'm fucking BUSY!" He shouted, dodging missile blasts from PRB and... Mitsuko was probably just throwing killer wedding flowers. Like in _Mario Odyseey_ when Bowser proposes using Piranha Plants. But then wait wasn't he also stealing flowers from the Woodened Kingdom? Why would he need that many flowers holy shit that's a lot of flowers, might as well steal Pikmin while you're at it.

Anyway, both the missiles and flowers were like shuriken. Which is called irony because _Naruto_ itself has loads of shuriken.

"I'll make a distraction." Said Temari holding up a fan. "And this time it is wind instead of smoke."

So she ended up blowing a tornado towards the Kohona group and that kinda pissed them off.

"ARGH!" Shouted Rock Lee's genderbend. Um, Rock... Leela? No, Lea. "Taijutsu no jutsu: Kick!"

She then kicked the ground and suddenly the whole thing split in half, causing everyone to fall. Except the hologram waifu who could fly, and PRB who had like jets or something?

Naruto himself flew by using his arms as like wings, he just flapped his arms. He stole that power from Blissing... someone, I don't know. But he shouted down below.

"I WILL GET MY FUCKING COOL - haha, pun - ICE MIRRORS BACK, DAMMIT! FROM HAKU, WHO IS DEFINITELY A GIRL THE ENTIRE TIME!"

He was still being blasted by missiles and killed flower thingies. "Grr... time travel time travel TIME TRAVEL!"

* * *

So 'Sasuke,' B, the Sand Siblings, Haku, and Zabuza all landed on the floor.

"Are we in prison again?" Asked Garaa. "And it feels like I just got out of prison with Shikaku being freed from me."

"Did somebody say my name?"

The lights went on. The gang was surrounded by a group of the tail beasts, humanizd and sexified women!

"Wait Sasuke," said Zabuza, "If you can break the spell around them, then we can have nine powerful allies who want Naruto dead!"

"Um Okay..."

Bu Ino didn't do i for two reasons. One she was on their side and didn't want to Treason the new Leaf. TWO... she didn't know how.

"Sasuke what was you waiting for!" Shouted Garaa. "Please don't make this one of those things where I need to believe in you for it to work... because that's something out of a shitty holiday Christmas special!"

"I got it!" Kankuro snapped his fingers. "It's because THAT'S NOT SASUKE AT ALL!"

Ino briefly panicked!

"IT'S REALLY AN UCHIHA DISGUISZED AAS SASUKE!"

" _Are you kidding me?_ " Asked Ino. "Sasuke _is_ an Uchiha from the start! Don't state what's already said like who are you Game Theory? I'm Ino, dammit!"

"AHA!" Said Kankuro. "I knew if I said something stupid you would blow your cover!"

"Oh, damn. You're a real detective then. Like Batman." Said Ino. Reminder this is a crossover so Batman exists in this world. I'd like to see Batman try to decode _Five Nights at Freddy's_ though he'd be pretty good at it if he wasn't scared because it's scary.

"Now... how do I undo the Mind Transfer No Jutsu? I mean, it's controlling bodies like puppets, so I'm good with puppets I assume it's something similar. Uh... is this an excercism? Can I just go POWER OF CHRIST and you're out or are you not a Satan thing?"

Ino, in Sasuke's body, just laughed. "Go ahead and try anything. But I'll have you know that-"

"Hang on if youhit her that counts as also hitting Ino so she'll feel the pain." Said Hinata. "Do that."

Then the ninja began surrounding them. Oh, I fofrgot about the Tailed Beasts because I was working on this slowly over several days. Uh, let's just say they got bored and went to Konoha for the final showdown. They're there instead because that's cooler. I just needed some ninjas (although the beasts aren't ninjas right?) To guard there to get Ino to confess that she was possessing Sasuke, oh shoot I gave a spoiler did I?

"AHEM." Shouted Lea. "NEED I REMIND YOU THAT IT'S NOT JUST YOU AND YOU ARE STILL IN A DUNGEON TRAP! I AM GOING TO KICK NO JUTSU THE GROUND AND THAT WILL SUMMON A ROCK WAVE WHICH CAN AND WILL KILL YOU!"

She kicked the ground and a wave of ROCK (hey just like the village element...) appeared and it was coming after the group like a tital wave!

But Garaa just blocked that with a sand wall.

"I am very gooda t this." He said. "Now, if you will-"

Then Lea kicked him, the fight was on and this was poetic because it was like their battle in the Chuunin Exams since they were the same people to fight.

Garaa just grabbed her by the shoulders with sand power. She had Naruto influence so of course she was dumber and not as cool fighter, so Garaa had an easier time. Garaa shook her and went "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!"

Meanwhile Zabuza just sighed and misted everything and people can't see.

"Shit." Said Tenten. "Now I can't see my weapons. WELL, I STILL DON'T MISS SO I CAN DO THEM!"

A shitload of sharp thingies began flying everywhere.

"I CAN'T SEE!" Shouted Kankuro. "UM, ZABUZA, CUT OFF THE MIST!"

"I can just blow it away." Said Temari.

"Oh. Do that then. Around us, the others don't have to have the mist there."

She did and it turns out that Fem Choji, Choja, stretched out a lot and formed a flesh barrier around the group.

They were actually pretty damn captured.

Let's speed things up. Ino's mind-transfer wore off. Also, Naruto finally actually got the two pink-hairs beaten using some other bullshit cheap move (he just illusioned them in to thinking they were winning when they weren't, which isn't even original Zorin did that in a scrapped idea of _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ ). Uh, they were the chick from _Archer_ and from _Grand Theft Auto_ 's anime, I think if I remember right. It took a lot of getting his asskickedd though, just like Wonder-Pink, Brenda, and .GIFFany NEO beforehand. Naruto grinned.

"YES YOU'RE ALL CAPTURED NOW!" He cheered. "WHOO HOO! I WIN- WAIT! CHOJA, DON'T DOTHE STRETCHY THING! THAT'S FAT! WOMEN AREN'T FAT!"

"Okay..." she said and un-stretched. That gave Sasuke that opertunity to slip out and escape!

"DAMMIT YOU LET THEM GET AWAY!" Naruto shouted.

Choja just slapped him for being an idiot.

"HEY! YOU'RE MY SLAVE! DO MY THINGS!"

"No, you're a friggin' idiot."

And then Sasuke managed to undo the things around the Konoha 12, bercause he snuck out. So now they were back.

I just want to get to Konoha already and I have no idea bout the Earth Village, I'm sorry.

SO. Naruto laughed.

"You know what? I'll take everyone," he said, "but then Sasuke, we ccan have our final battle by Konoha! So I'll head over there and try to midnight bliss all of you, and just Sasuke by himself-"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Naruto turned around and saw that Kyu was apparently standing right behind him. Glaring. Naruto just grinned.

"The fuck are you, bitch?"

"Well, if you keep doing horrible shit..." Her eyes were closed smugly looking.

Then Kyu opened her eyes and they were white.

"Then I'm gonna be your worst _nightmare._ "

She teleported away.

"Well, I'll see you in Konoha for the showdown!" Naruto said, trying to hide that he was scared. He warped too.

Sasuke looked at the group and grinned.

"I SNUCK AROUND AND THAT'S WHAT NINJAS DO!" He cheered. "DOES THIS MEAN I PASS THE NINJA EXAM?!"

"...I guess?" Asked Killer B.

Sasuke frowned. "THIS ISN'T VERY FUN. I MISS HARRY POTTER WHERE HE'D SAY SOMETHING DERIVATIVE TO ME. :("

Did I say that they broke the crystal? Fuck it, they did. Sasuke did it when he snuck around.

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Yeah, this is exceptionally short. You can tell that when it came to the elemental villages arc, I just kind of ran out of ideas. Hopefully, things will go _down_ in Konoha. For the three-part finale! ...Or maybe it should be a two-part finale? I'm not sure.

Anyway, this is going on yet another hiatus now. Time to get back to _Paper John: Sticker Star_! As... this one poll thing promised.


End file.
